A good joke

[rocket]

I went to see a Psychiatrist today...

She told me I had a split personality and charged me $200...

I gave her a $100 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot!

[Keep Fighting]

A man walks into a library and says loudly:

“I’d like a burger, a large cola, and a side of fries!”

The librarian looks at him sternly and whispers:

“Excuse me, this is a library…”

 

The man stares back, nods slowly, and whispers:

“Oh, sorry… I’d like a burger, a large cola, and a side of fries…

[Pabo]

Why do coffee lovers always have a strong relationship?

 

Quote

Because they have a latte in common

 

[Keep Fighting]

[kejedo]

Noticed my hearing is failing (at meeting last night,) but I got a couple of comments in, anyway. Made me think of this joke:

Man goes into the doctor's office, says "Hey doc I think I'm going deaf" doctor says "oh that's really unfortunate can you describe the symptoms for me?" Man answers, "Uh yeah Homer is a fat yellow man and Marge has blue hair."

 

[dljbsp]

A woman walks into a police department looking for a job.

The officer interviews her and asks a few questions.

 

“What’s 2 + 2?”

“Four.”

 

“What’s the square root of 100?”

“Ten.”

 

“Good. Now—who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

 

She pauses. “I’m not sure.”

 

The officer says, “Go home, think about it, and come back tomorrow.”

 

That evening, a friend asks, “So—did you get the job?”

 

She replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’ve already been assigned my first cold case!”

[dljbsp]

This farmer just came up to me...

...he said 'I've got 68 sheep can you round them up for me?'

I said 'Sure. 70'.

[rocket]

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? 

 

Spoiler

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnecologist and HISterectomy.

 

[LeolaRootStew]

[rocket]

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an eighteenth floor nightclub was not a Bouncer.

[Tortuga]

I think it would be fun to have a variety of microwave oven noises and alarms on my phone and randomly play them when I am at a restaurant...🤣

[Qapla]

Two cannibals were walking through the jungle when one asked the other:

 

Cannibal 1: How are you doing

Cannibal 2: Not so good ... my tummy has been bothering me.

Cannibal 1: What have you been eating?

Cannibal 2: The usual, you know, some missionaries

Cannibal 1: How are you cooking them?

Cannibal 2: The usual way. I get the big pot of water boiling, add some bay leaves, onions, carrot and a few other veggies. I toss them in and let it cook for 5 or 6 hours

Cannibal 1: What do these missionaries look like?

Cannibal 2: You know - fringe of hair around their head, those brown robe things they wear, sandals - you know, the usual

Cannibal 1: Well, there's the problem ... you're cooking them wrong

Cannibal 2: Cooking them wrong ??

 

 

Cannibal 1: Yeah - Them are friars!

[kejedo]

What do you call a Brother that's really loud?    MIKE

 

 

[dljbsp]

At a lake with rental boats, the owner speaks over the loudspeaker

“Boat number 99, please return to the dock. Your time is up!”

A few minutes pass. No boat returns.

The owner, louder this time:

“Boat number 99, return immediately or you’ll be charged for overtime!”

Still nothing.

The assistant steps in and says:

“Boss… we only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.”

After a couple of seconds, the owner grabs the mic again and says:

“Boat number 66… everything okay out there?”

[kejedo]

A retired Brother named Lynn (from Oregon) took on extra duties on an animal farm. On his first day, he could not resist taking home the runt of the pig litter b/c that darling creature had squiggled it's way into the brother's heart, and he was sure he could bring that little one back next day, unnoticed. He even made up a temporary name, "Squiggy. " But Squiggy was not ready to sleep at the family's regular time. After bottle feeding Squiggy, Lynn made a pallette of blankets and a wind-up clock and settled Squiggy on the  floor patting him in what he thought would be comforting. That noisy little piglet kept the family awake and finally voicing their complaint. "Well, what'll I do?" brother Lynn spoke out in the darkness.  In unison,a sound rang out, "Rocket!"