A good joke

[dilip kumar]

Delhi is the capital of India.

Recently to control pollution, the minister there ordered that four wheeler vehicles ending with odd numbers will run on the road one day and vice versa.

Based on that, jokes started coming on the net. The following is one of them.......

Matrimonial Advt in Delhi....

26 year old educated boy with odd numbered vehicle looking for beautiful girl with even numbered vehicle....

Suitable candidates please reply with picture of vehicle and registration certificate...

[bohemian]

I went to see my doctor.

I said, " My sister always treats me like Lucy treats Linus!"

He said, "I see, you have an analogy to Peanuts."

[Musky]

Analogy or "allergy"?

I think both would work. Oh wait, that's the joke!

Edited January 14, 2016 by Musky

[dilip kumar]

[Tortuga]

I think the best way to keep mosquitos off of you is to pull their legs off when they fly by, then they can't land on you. So far I have been 100% successful. Prove me wrong...

[Qapla]

There were three women that went into the restroom to use the big mirror .... only thing is, this was a special mirror - if you spoke a lie it would suck you in.

 

The first girl was a Brunette. She looked in the mirror, fixed her hair a bit and said, "I am the smartest woman in the world!"

 

POOF! She was sucked in.

 

The second girl was a redhead. She looked into the mirror, touched up her lipstick and said, "I am the prettiest girl in the world!"

 

POOF! She was sucked in.

 

The third girl was a blonde. She looked in the mirror and saw that everything look just fine and said, "I think ..."

 

POOF! She was sucked in!

[Tortuga]

There were three women that went into the restroom to use the big mirror .... only thing is, this was a special mirror - if you spoke a lie it would suck you in.

 

The first girl was a Brunette. She looked in the mirror, fixed her hair a bit and said, "I am the smartest woman in the world!"

 

POOF! She was sucked in.

 

The second girl was a redhead. She looked into the mirror, touched up her lipstick and said, "I am the prettiest girl in the world!"

 

POOF! She was sucked in.

 

The third girl was a blonde. She looked in the mirror and saw that everything look just fine and said, "I think ..."

 

POOF! She was sucked in!

 

That's funny...

POOF!

[dilip kumar]

A very important message .....

[ronjon]

A man said to his wife,it's our anniversary tomorrow what gift would you like.

 

She said oh I'd like something shiny that will go from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds, so he bought her some bathroom scales.

 

The Doctors said he would walk again but he'd always have a limp.

[ronjon]

Satnav

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. 
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life. 
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". 

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake. 
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green. 
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. 

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. 
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device. 
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. 

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. 
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. 
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed! 

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, 
I only wish that now and then, I could turn my dear wife off.

[pnutts]

Sounds like you have been married for a long time. Self portrait?

[Rajan]

GOD’S LAUGHTER
How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.

HOW ENLIGHTENED ARE YOU?

IF....
If you can live without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him or her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,

--Then you have almost reached the same level of spiritual development as your dog!

* * * * *

[dilip kumar]

I found a Leaflet in my newspaper this morning which read, 'ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC? CALL NOW. WE CAN HELP!!!'

My wife insisted I make a call

I Called up. It Was A Liquor Shop Offer : 'Buy 3 & Get 1 Free'... 

My eyes were filled with tears of joy

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[Qapla]

Saw a car yesterday ... sorry, couldn't get a picture.

It was a Mini Cooper with a window sticker that said "Shown Actual Size"

Edited January 23, 2016 by Qapla

[pnutts]

Over 20 years ago saw a bumper sticker on a pickup.  "So many pedestrians...So little Time"

Edited January 23, 2016 by pnutts
mispell

[pnutts]

Years ago when I had my 84 Goldwing motorcycle, I put a sticker on a plate attached to rear lic. plate.  "I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you!"

 

Worked real great in heavy traffic crossing bridge back into Canada at Queenston, ON,   Lewiston, NY.

[gayathri]

A woman approaches a teacher and says ...

Swamiji( in india it means holy teacher), I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman.... what to do?

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Take your husband to that woman's doorstep...and see if his wi-fi connects automatically. .😄😄😄😝😂😂😂😂😂

Can't beat this one 😝😝

Technology can be dangerous.

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[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

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[dilip kumar]

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[Qapla]

How do we know that Jehovah is in favor of us eating cheese?

Because he always shows us the whey.

[Friends just call me Ross]

When my girlfriend told me she was dumping me because of my obsession with The Monkees,

I didn't believe her. 
But then I saw her face...

Hey, you know how geese migrate in a V shape? Sometimes one side of the V is longer than the other - do you know why?
"No, why's that? "
It has more geese.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
It was pretty bad at first, but, by the end, I liked it.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
 

[Friends just call me Ross]

One bad pun deserves another...NOT! 

A Buddhist monk tells a hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything." The monk gives the vendor a fifty, and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

So the monk pulls out a gun.

"Whoa," the vendor exclaims. "I thought you guys were all about inner peace!"

The monk replies, "This is my inner piece."

"No need to get violent. Do you want the fifty back or something valuable I recently found?"

"What did you find?"

The vendor pulls out a small peppermint chocolate with a hole in the middle, holds it up to the sun, and says "A light in mint."

The monk chips a tooth on the mint and has to go to the dentist. 

The dentist goes to give him Novacaine but the monk declines because he wants to transcend dental medication.

[dilip kumar]

😜BOSS in office : Okay guys, today we are going to play a game.....

When I say a name of the fruit, you run to the right side of the hall....

And when I say any color, you run to the left side of the hall....

One who runs on wrong side will not get the increment...

got it ?

Employees : Yes Boss, Got it.

Boss : Okay...Ready, Set...

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"ORANGE"!!

Employees : 😳😳😇😇😰😰😖😁😡

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[campanula]

Child's question: When a turtle is out of its shell how should I call it - homeless or nacked?