A good joke

[dilip kumar]

Excuse me... pls. 

[dilip kumar]

True lies...

[dilip kumar]

Olden days were golden days..

[walkr2]

[Lee49]

Zoom 1:1 - worth sharing - hahahahaha!!!

[Old]

 

Just got this some are old but some have great meaning for those in "the most susceptible group."

 

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10.  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a  comb.

 

 

 

 

[Nelly Kim]

[bohemian]

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

[bohemian]

4 retired men were walking along the Brighton seafront when they notice a sign which say's "Retiree's Bar- All drinks 20p"

They look at each other in amazement and think we've got to try this so go inside.

They walk up to the bar and order 4 malt whiskies. "Certainly, that will be 80p"says the barman.

They quickly down these and order 4 more. Again 80p.

So they say to the barman "What's going on, how can you sell good malt whisky so cheap"

"Well" says the barman "Im retired too and I won £125 million on the Euro lottery and decided to set up this bar for a bit of fun"

So they order 4 more malt's and then notice seven men sitting at the end of the bar without drinks.

"Whats with them ?" they ask the barman

"Oh they are from Scotland and are waiting for happy hour when the drinks are half price"

[Nelly Kim]

[dilip kumar]

Teacher: *what is the difference between"Science" and "Art"?.*

Student:
There is no medicine for Corona , as of now, that is Science.

Hospital Bills come in lakhs even though there is no medicine. This is an Art!!


Sent from my SM-A315F using Tapatalk

[bohemian]

computer:  Please choose a password.

User:  chicken

Computer: Password must include a capital.

User: chickenkiev

[bohemian]

What do you call a Frenchman being mauled by a lion?
 

Claude

[pnutts]

And what is Claude doing? He's hopping.  So now he is known as Claude Hopper or Clawed Hopper which eventually became spelled in the US as Clod Hopper.

Edited December 19, 2020 by pnutts

[pnutts]

Speaking of clawed. My cat just clawed me because I moved my feet. Means it is time to get up.

[bohemian]

I do like my one-lioners.  I’d post more but I have my pride.

[Qapla]

3 hours ago, bohemian said:

I do like my one-lioners.  I’d post more but I have my pride.

 

Is this a fact ... Are you sure you are not lion about this???

[Sheep]

 

Did you hear about the guy sitting in front of the New York Public Library with a book?

 

He was reading between the lions.

[Tortuga]

I accidentally drank some invisible ink, now I'm in the hospital waiting to be seen...

[dove]

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone..

steven wright

[daydream]

17 hours ago, bohemian said:

What do you call a Frenchman being mauled by a lion?
 

Claude

Oh is that what you get from 'Gaul' and mauled? Please enlighten me. A bit dim here.

 

[rocket]

1 hour ago, Mclove said:

Oh is that what you get from 'Gaul' and mauled? Please enlighten me. A bit dim here.

 

clawed

[bohemian]

My child won’t eat fish, he doesn’t like it.  Anybody suggest a replacement?
 

 

 

 

A cat.  Cats love fish.

[Rain]

1 hour ago, bohemian said:

My child won’t eat fish, he doesn’t like it.  Anybody suggest a replacement?
 

A cat.  Cats love fish.

Oh cat jokes are the best! 😆😺

Here's one of my faves:

👨😼🐶

A man walks into a bar with a cat and dog. They all sit down and the bartender says, “What can I get you?”

The dog looks right at the bartender and says, "I’ll have vodka, the human will have water, and the cat will take a Scotch.”

The bartender, in shock, says to the dog, “This is AMAZING! You’re a dog but you can talk, WOW!!!”

The man looks at the bartender, and says with a smirk, “Don’t be fooled. The cat is a ventriloquist.”

😁

[bohemian]

An Englishman was invited round for a meal by a Chinese family who had just arrived in town to take over the running of the local Chinese takeaway. While eating (and he managed quite well with the chopsticks), the family were quoting numbers at each other, and then all laughing. Puzzled, he asked what was going on. They explained that just as the takeaway menu was all numbered, their jokes repertoire was also numbered so they didn't have to tell the joke to get a laugh, all they had to do was say it's number. "Can I try?" he asked. "Sure" they said. So he said "Number 256". They all guffawed loudly and he was a bit surprised. "We haven't heard that one before", they said.