My "short story" on David & Goliath

[LRJW]

So I'm writing a short story of David and Goliath, but it's kind of turning into a novel. 

 

I've uploaded the first chapter, and if anyone would like to read it (5 pages) and drop a comment, I'd appreciate it.   Any constructive criticism is welcome!  This is really just a hobby that's been going on about 5 years or so, but I'm hoping to finish it at some point.  Right now I'm at the introduction of Goliath in the Philistine camp, and it's going on 45 pages, lol.

 

Thanks!

 

Chapter One

 

As per usual, all content in above link is copyrighted. 

[Sallyforth]

Brother, that is truly a very fine piece of writing. I was genuinely disappointed when I reached the end of the chapter. I have done some writing myself (strictly as a hobby) but I do think I am a good judge of writing talent.

I hope some of you other friends will check out what our brother has posted. It is riveting.

Thanks for sharing this.

[DLM]

Good story. I like it. Keep it up.

[Sallyforth]

And incidentally, I would love to read more!

[Nobody]

That is so good. Do you have other short stories? What motivated you to do this? 

[Sallyforth]

BTW, when I said I was "genuinely disappointed " when I reached the end of the chapter, I meant it was because I was enjoying reading it so much! Just wanted to clarify what I said.

[ReadYourBible]

So I'm writing a short story of David and Goliath, but it's kind of turning into a novel. 

 

I've uploaded the first chapter, and if anyone would like to read it (5 pages) and drop a comment, I'd appreciate it.   Any constructive criticism is welcome!  This is really just a hobby that's been going on about 5 years or so, but I'm hoping to finish it at some point.  Right now I'm at the introduction of Goliath in the Philistine camp, and it's going on 45 pages, lol.

 

Thanks!

 

Chapter One

 

As per usual, all content in above link is copyrighted. 

I used to write, but not so much any more since I can't seem to do anything but sci-fi lol

 

I enjoyed reading your piece quite a bit though, and although I know how the story turns out, it's still a neat way to see how you've given the bible characters more flesh so to speak.  

 

In the first sentence I noted that you used three qualifiers for the cold...icy fingers, cold and frozen.  I think that might be a bit of overkill.  It's cold, you've just told us that twice...........we don't need to have it a third time.

 

 

The old man wrapped the cloak tighter around him, trying to keep out the icy fingers of the bitter or biting wind.  Under steel-gray skies slowly turning black, he felt the weight of his age.

 

Staff held tightly against his chest, the smooth-worn wood a familiar comfort in his palm, he turned his back to the wind, shook his head, and his eyes clenched shut as his lips moved fervently in silent prayer.  

 

Patience, he prayed for patience as their words seeped into his consciousness.

Edited March 11, 2015 by cerebral ecstasy

[LRJW]

Thank you for the kind words!  It's given me some encouragement to continue writing.  I just started doing it because when I read a Biblical account, I like to visualize it as much as possible.  And I like writing in general, so the two just went together.  

 

Thank you, Sharon, for some good tips!  I find that I do tend to get repetitive, so I try to leave it alone for a couple of days/weeks, then I'll go back and re-read it and edit stuff out.

 

I've been afraid to let anyone read my stuff (you guys are the first!) because I don't think very highly of it usually.  :-P

[ReadYourBible]

Thank you for the kind words!  It's given me some encouragement to continue writing.  I just started doing it because when I read a Biblical account, I like to visualize it as much as possible.  And I like writing in general, so the two just went together.  

 

Thank you, Sharon, for some good tips!  I find that I do tend to get repetitive, so I try to leave it alone for a couple of days/weeks, then I'll go back and re-read it and edit stuff out.

 

I've been afraid to let anyone read my stuff (you guys are the first!) because I don't think very highly of it usually.  :-P

I do this as well.  Sounds like you put yourself right into the account and become an observer rather than a reader.  I really did enjoy it, and look forward to reading more so keep it up!

 

I don't know about how when you write, but for me I get a sense of whether it is powerful enough or not.

 

Some things I've written have left me in tears, others have made me laugh, yet others have left me with goosebumps.  It's when the writing itself evokes an emotion do I know that the piece is finished.  

 

The one I have on a back burner is entitled Nebulae Sky.  So far my character is on a mission to the Alpha Centauri star system to view the red dwarf Proxima.  She's awoke to trouble on the ship, and light years away from the original destination........that being said, to me that seems kind of cliché and a storyline which has been done to death ;) so it's probably going to get changed.  

 

Plot holes aboundeth!!

[LRJW]

I do this as well.  Sounds like you put yourself right into the account and become an observer rather than a reader.  I really did enjoy it, and look forward to reading more so keep it up!

 

I don't know about how when you write, but for me I get a sense of whether it is powerful enough or not.

 

Some things I've written have left me in tears, others have made me laugh, yet others have left me with goosebumps.  It's when the writing itself evokes an emotion do I know that the piece is finished.  

 

The one I have on a back burner is entitled Nebulae Sky.  So far my character is on a mission to the Alpha Centauri star system to view the red dwarf Proxima.  She's awoke to trouble on the ship, and light years away from the original destination........that being said, to me that seems kind of cliché and a storyline which has been done to death ;) so it's probably going to get changed.  

 

Plot holes aboundeth!!

 

I've gotten the goosebump thing while writing something, but when I re-read it, I'm never satisfied.  The same thing happens when I'm preparing a talk; I'll get so excited thinking up an illustration, or writing down an experience I had, etc., but after I give the talk I'm always disappointed.  I'm sure the root of it is in my childhood, but I've never had the courage to really think about it, ha ha.

 

Your story sounds very exciting!  The story line is a bit familiar, but that doesn't mean it won't be fresh in itself.  Many different types of books have familiar topics, but can be really good regardless.

 

I'm on chapter 10 right now, with David's becoming Saul's armor bearer.  There's a couple of background stories, like Goliath in the Philistine camp and Michal falling in love with David, but I have to put a bit more meat on those.  This story started out as an idea of having 5 to 8 pages of just the fight between David and Goliath, but it's gotten more expansive.  I really don't know when I'll be done. 

 

The nice feedback here, though, has given it some more life; I'm editing the first chapter again to have it more polished and then I'll read Chapter 2 and see what's there. 

[LRJW]

I don't know how to edit the original post, so I will just post this here; I've redone Chapter 1 and chapter 2, which I'll post below.  Any feedback is appreciated!  (Not much happens in Chapter 2, it's more of an introduction of David, so it was easy to skim through and fix as a rough draft.)

 

Chapter 1 - revised

 

Chapter 2

 

I think after this I'll just continue to write this thing and see what happens.  I don't want to keep bothering you guys with chapter after chapter; I think a bit of feedback at this early stage will help me the rest of the way.  

 

Thanks!

 

[LeslieDean]

I took a couple of weekend classes at UCLA while living in Los Angeles.  I must say I did not know Jehovah then so I picked some lu-lu of classes to take.  The well known author who presented the class was Sidney Sheldon.  I had read his books and really liked them.  Remember, I said I did not know Jehovah at that time.   I enjoyed writing and loved reading.  It is hard now for me to do either after my brain tumor.  My thoughts get twisted and it takes a long time for me to stay on track.But I learned about character development (which is totally different that the kind of character development we learn as Jehovah's servants)  I also remember Mr. Sheldon saying many people critized him for being a "formula" writer.  Meaning he used the same format for every book just changed the scenery-always a heroine-good guy-bad guy=and affair thrown into the mix.  Never noticed that until it was pointed out to me.  But he was very charasmatic and had written tv series, books, broadway plays, movies.  I throughly enjoyed the classes. 

[Sallyforth]

Brother, will read chapter two asap because I really want to but I want to give it the attention it deserves. Anyway if I get a break sometime in the next few days, will let you know what I think of chapter two.

[Sallyforth]

Well, "a.s.a.p." took longer than I anticipated. Sorry about that. Anyway, I saved your story on my "read later" screen, and can finally get around to fulfulling my promise.

 

Once again, you have given us a fresh, respectful look at the events in question. Your narrative nicely explores what may have been going through young David's mind. I love all the detail you put into it -- you make the surroundings come alive! It reminds me of when we have an especially well written, moving drama at our conventions. When you describe David recalling how the crowd had been mesmerized by Samuel's description of events at the Red Sea, I was enthralled.

 

If I have any quibble at all, it would be that there were a few instances of run-on sentences, where perhaps those sentences could be broken up a bit, either with a semicolon, or by writing them as two separate sentences. For instance, in paragraph one, perhaps the sentence that begins with "He had deliberated..." could be separated. Just a thought. The actual description within the sentence --  the words you choose -- is colorful and interesting.

 

Your switch from contemplative to dialogue/action, with the arrival of David's brother, Nethanel, was very well done, and I like the dose of humor you threw in there ("Samuel? The prophet? "No...Samuel the tanner. Of course the prophet!") That made me laugh out loud, as it seemed like a real conversation between brothers.

 

So, for what it's worth, that's just a cursory assessment of your story. I love to read, and appreciate genuinely good writing. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.

 

Sorry for not getting back to you on this sooner!

Edited April 6, 2015 by Sallyforth