The Bad Joke thread

[Friends just call me Ross]

A bicycle can't stand alone

because it is two-tired.

 

What is the definition of a will?

It's a dead giveaway.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine

is fully recovered.

 

A lot of money is tainted.

'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

 

He had a photographic memory

which was never developed.

 

 

[Friends just call me Ross]

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

 

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

In a democracy, a vote counts.

In feudalism, it's the count that votes.

 

A chicken crossing the road: 

poultry in motion.

 

If one doesn't pay his exorcist,

he gets repossessed.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name

and a dress.

 

When clocks get hungry

they go back for seconds.

 

You're stuck with your  debt

if you can't budge it.

 

Local Area Network in Australia:

the LAN down under.

 

A short fortuneteller who escapes from prison:

A small medium at large.

 

 

[Old]

Ross, I think you need to tell us about your childhood. It could be therapeutic.  

[Friends just call me Ross]

27 minutes ago, Old said:

Ross, I think you need to tell us about your childhood. It could be therapeutic.  

[Sheep]

Daffy-nitions

 

 

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.

 

CHICKENS 
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

 

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

 

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

 

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

 

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

 

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

 

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

WRINKLES
Something other people have... similar to my character lines.

 

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”
... and that, my friend, is the definition of “OLD.”

[dilip kumar]

Enjoyed raisin, secret and yawn.
Others are good too

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

[ChrisC]

[Sheep]

DRIVER’S TEST

A lady failed the driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question: "You are driving at 120mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see a old man and a young man.
What will you hit?"

 

The woman walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question in all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. I failed all the four times. Is this possible? What am I supposed to hit????"

 

Examiner: "The brakes!!!"

 

(Men are not suppose to laugh, please!)

Edited March 9, 2017 by Sheep

[Sheep]

WOMEN DRIVERS: Distracted Driving Incident

 

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I thought to myself: "Doesn't she know it's dangerous to do that while she's driving?"

 

I looked away for a couple of seconds to continue shaving. And when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt, and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the twins, soaked my trousers, ruined the phone, and disconnected an important call.

 

Damn women drivers!

 

(Everyone may laugh now - no matter which gender you are.........)

Edited March 9, 2017 by Sheep

[Friends just call me Ross]

Women drivers no survivors.

 

 

[ChrisC]

Name two crustaceans.

 

Spoiler

King's Cross Station and Charing Cross Station.

 

[walkr2]

Name two crustaceans.
 
Spoiler King's Cross Station and Charing Cross Station.
 

Lobster and crabs...dead or alive.

[Tortuga]

If you type with both hands, are you stereotyping?

[dove]

George W. Bush was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?". The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses"?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"

[ChrisC]

My hair. That's a bad joke.

I leant over the bath with the clippers set at 12mm / 1/2" not realising that the attachment was broken. So it's now about 4mm. 

I haven't been able to go out since November. I am bound to be up to it tomorrow.

 

Edited May 10, 2017 by ChrisTheConfused

[kejedo]

1 hour ago, ChrisTheConfused said:

My hair. That's a bad joke.

I leant over the bath with the clippers set at 12mm / 1/2" not realising that the attachment was broken. So it's now about 4mm. 

I haven't been able to go out since November. I am bound to be up to it tomorrow.

 

 

The first time I buzzed my oldest son's hair, I did not realize there were attachment guides.  Bad memory. 

[pnutts]

14 hours ago, kejedo said:

The first time I buzzed my oldest son's hair, I did not realize there were attachment guides.  Bad memory. 

My wife usually cuts my hair. 2 years ago night before the convention, she was tired ans buzzed my hair. Hadn't had hair that short since I came into the truth 45 years earlier.

That was the pic I posted at the time with kitten on my shoulder.

[ChrisC]

Many years ago a bother turned up for the memorial and was acting a bit grumpy. It turned out he had bought some new clippers and asked his wife for a trim just hours before. She also hadn't realised there were attachments! A big groove on the back of his head! Of course we all wanted a good look.

He apologised to his wife by means of a comment at the next meeting.

[CHecker]

I can contribute a little to the 'ol 'bad hair day' joke, since he's forgiven me

 

I'm opposed to hair color simply because of the chemical ingredients. So I looked into a henna for MH hair, just for a change you know. Since his hair was originally dark brown, almost black but now was mostly gray I chose Marron, for a rich chestnut color.

What actually came out was nothing like I was prepared for. I think the chestnut color ran out the door and left us with carrot top!! He looked like Carrot Top, you know the actor? Oh my, it was a disaster! I asked if I could shave it off and it'd grow out faster but he wore that bright orange color everyday like a proud prince with a new crown! Hasn't let me forget it since.

[kejedo]

I have tried hennas with results running the gamut from atrocious to hideous. Once the front of my hair turned maroon.  Deep maroon, like the leaves of my Maine maple tree in October. Obviously some of my hair had been dried out from blow dryer and curling iron and hoovered in that plant  based colorant. I planned to go out in service that morning and that I did.  I didn't  encounter that exact shade of maroon again until  my students  came in with henna body painting.  If you've seen it in  burgundy, that's the shade.  

[ChrisC]

Another embarrassing episode back to about 1992. Our son had a baby walker and a few toys attached. One was a wobbly something on a big rubber sucker. In my wisdom I decided to stick it to my forehead. Panicking I quickly pulled it off instead of using the tab on the sucker. A huge red mark right in the middle!

Of course it was meeting night, so I did what I could with Emma's makeup and went to the Hall hoping no one would notice. As soon as I walked in my brother said "What did you do, stick a rubber sucker on your head?"

The meeting went very slowly but nobody else said anything.

Edited May 11, 2017 by ChrisTheConfused

[Tortuga]

3 minutes ago, ChrisTheConfused said:

Another embarrassing episode back to about 1992. Our son had a baby walker and a few toys attached. One was a wobbly something on a big rubber sucker. In my wisdom I decided to stick it to my forehead. Panicking I quickly pulled it off instead of using the tab on the sucker. A huge red mark right in the middle!

Of course it was meeting night, so I did what I could with Emma's makeup and went to the Hall hoping no one would notice. As soon as I walked my brother said "What did you do, stick a rubber sucker on your head?"

The meeting went very slowly but nobody else said anything.

No comments about receiving a mark on the forehead? 

[kejedo]

1 hour ago, ChrisTheConfused said:

Another embarrassing episode back to about 1992. Our son had a baby walker and a few toys attached. One was a wobbly something on a big rubber sucker. In my wisdom I decided to stick it to my forehead. Panicking I quickly pulled it off instead of using the tab on the sucker. A huge red mark right in the middle!

Of course it was meeting night, so I did what I could with Emma's makeup and went to the Hall hoping no one would notice. As soon as I walked in my brother said "What did you do, stick a rubber sucker on your head?"

The meeting went very slowly but nobody else said anything.

 

This made me laugh out loud, just as written, but my over-active mind had to imagine the conversation  a couple different ways. here's one:

The other Brother: Why Brother Chris, what did you do, stick a rubber sucker on your head?"

Brother Chris: Yes, I did, thank you. I was trying to accelerate  beard growth on my forehead by suctioning out and increasing the natural growth pattern of facial hair.

The other brother: What's with the makeup?

Brother Chris: Just filling it in. Didn't expect it to work the first try, didja?

Pauline is eaves dropping and laughs superciliously. (superciliousness is in the Bible). 

 

More ot and excess info.  a sister has given me feedback to be more succinct (not overload responses with extra details.) I told her that was my word for the 'weak.' Does that mean I should refrain from  imaginary scenarios on the bad joke thread?

[Pjdriver]

On 3/2/2017 at 5:47 PM, Sheep said:

BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.

That's actually the name of a beauty parlour in my town.

[Rosy Gal]

Bad joke time

 

Who was the greatest actor in the bible?

 

Samson of course COZ..he brought down the house