A good joke

[dove]

1 hour ago, Dove said:

That wasn't the answer I had in mind but a good one 

Before Boaz was married he was Ruth-less....

[dove]

One more.....who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

 

 

Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years  

[Loopy]

13 minutes ago, Dove said:

Before Boaz was married he was Ruth-less....

Told yah it was a trick question (joke). 

5 minutes ago, Dove said:

One more.....who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

 

 

Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years  

I like this one. How true it is. 

Good thing Colombo wasn't around back than. 

 

[dilip kumar]

I love this Story, this is the funniest thing I'm reading this week!

A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.

The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

He could not control his curiosity and asked,

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote."

*Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.....*

The story continues....

The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.

Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.

He said, "your husband has blocked your credit card.........."

*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*

Story continues....

Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.

*Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*

Story continues...

After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.......

*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*

Story continues....

She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.

It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.

She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.

She bought her items and returned home happily.

*Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!*

Story continues....

On getting home, his car was gone.

A note was pasted on the door

"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something".

Dawn... He left with the house key too.



*Moral: Don't try to control your husband.
You will always lose



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[hatcheckgirl]

*Moral: Just cut yourself a set of keys.

[Hammerhead]

What kind of fruit is not allowed to marry?
Cantaloupe

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[dove]

Which Bible character had no parents?

 

Joshua, son of Nun.

[dilip kumar]

Noah in Modern Day Ireland...


In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months passed and the Lord looked down upon Noah who was weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the An Bord Pleannala for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the ISPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environmental Protection Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "..........the Government beat me to it!"

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[dove]

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'.

[Loopy]

26 minutes ago, Dove said:

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'.

   

[dilip kumar]

Wife: Where are you?
Husb : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husb : Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixer.
Husb : (turns mixer on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husb : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husb : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husb : (turns mixer on) Rrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him, "Son, where is your father?"

Son: "I don't know, he went out with the mixer...



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[dilip kumar]

Two friends' on conversation - "

I went to a liquor store yesterday on my bicycle. I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels. I tied it to my bicycle carrier.

I was about to leave. Then I realised that if I fell off the bike on the way home, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the JD before I rode back.

Finally it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home."

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[Vinnie]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk..
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise.. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[Doug]

Hey Fellas !  Have you ever met a girl so sweet, and so cute, that she made you feel like brushing all yer teeth, not just the two front ones?  

[Tortuga]

40 minutes ago, Doug said:

Hey Fellas !  Have you ever met a girl so sweet, and so cute, that she made you feel like brushing all yer teeth, not just the two front ones?  

...the store bought ones?

 

[Loopy]

11 hours ago, Doug said:

Hey Fellas !  Have you ever met a girl so sweet, and so cute, that she made you feel like brushing all yer teeth, not just the two front ones?  

  Ummm, this belongs in thhe "bad" joke topic. 

[dilip kumar]

🏻 father : father in law
🏻 mother : mother in law
🏻 son : son in law
🏻 daughter : daughter in law
🏻 brother : brother in law
🏻‍♀ sister : sister in law

🏻 wife : ????

*She Is The Law*





🏻 Husband : ?????

_*Follow the Law_ 🤣*

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[Dantheman136]

On 4/28/2017 at 10:47 PM, Tortuga said:

I'll sell you the answer for $5.

I'll sell you a better answer for $10...

 

I'll sell you the RIGHT answer for $15.....sorry couldn't resist.

[Vinnie]

Your walking in a jungle and you come upon a bear and a lion.

what would you rather, the bear eat you or the lion?

 

[pnutts]

12 minutes ago, Vinnie said:

would you rather, the bear eat you or the lion?

Change the eat you to you eat the bear or the lion. Not sure about lion meat but bear meat has to be aged for 4 weeks or the washroom becomes your fav. spot.

[minister159]

On 5/13/2017 at 6:48 PM, Tortuga said:

...the store bought ones?

 

How does a young man in rural Arkansas compliment the girl on their first date? "Nice tooth!"

[Tortuga]

3 hours ago, Vinnie said:

Your walking in a jungle and you come upon a bear and a lion.

what would you rather, the bear eat you or the lion?

 

I would rather the bear eat the lion while I escape. 

I couldn't bear it if he was lion to me...

Edited May 16, 2017 by Tortuga

[dilip kumar]

Women empowerment......

http://m.timesofindia.com/city/kanpur/hell-hath-no-fury-woman-abducts-lover-at-gunpoint-from-his-wedding/articleshow/58713263.cms

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[Doug]

21 hours ago, minister159 said:

How does a young man in rural Arkansas compliment the girl on their first date? "Nice tooth!"

What has 10 heads and 40 teeth?

 

Spoiler

Front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

 

[dilip kumar]

Nervous ..

Ramesh: "Why did you run away from the operation table?"

Suresh : "The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only.'

Ramesh : "So what was wrong in that? Why are you so afraid..?"

Suresh : *"She was talking to the surgeon..!"*

....

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