A good joke

[Tortuga]

My cousin has two tickets for the 2022 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at 3pm. Her name is Sally. She's 5'1, about 120 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.😉

[Tortuga]

Lowe's Hardware recently opened a new store and the sign in the entry said "You just reached a new Lowe's"

 

[Luigi62]

Quote

Psalm 35:11 Malicious witnesses come forward, Asking me things I know nothing about.

 

One passionate pioneer sister met a pastor. The Pastor avoided the sister as soon as he saw her. But the pioneer sister followed the pastor and asked:  “I just want to ask one question.Why do you believe in the Trinity? The doctrine of the Trinity- Where can I find it in the Bible?”

 

The pastor spoke to the sister very loudly. “Look at Psalm 35:11”..and then he left.

 

The pioneer sister wondered, “Does Psalms mention about the Trinity..?”

 

She opened the book of Psalms 35:11 and was surprised to see what it said.

 

PS. The Quote is Psalm 35:11

Edited February 4, 2022 by Luigi62

[bohemian]

I have been tracing my family tree and found my great Grandfather used to be the foreman in a napkin factory in Russia.

He was the leader of the Serviette Union.

[bohemian]

My mate just drowned . At the funeral we got him a wreath in the 
shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

[Tortuga]

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

 

It's called the Picabo ICU.

[bohemian]

I was looking after my girlfriends dog while she was away.
Sadly it died so I got her an identical one.
She went bonkers. What am I going to do with two dead dogs?

[Keep Fighting]

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Keep Fighting]

Do you know the name of Adam s mother in law?

He didn’t have one, he lived in paradise.☺️

[Tortuga]

Why do dyslexic fisherman cry when they catch fish?

 

Spoiler

They are weeping on the catch.

 

[bohemian]

A drug baron's shipment of marijuana has been intercepted by border force drug control just before it reached the UK. The men on board swiftly dumped the sacks of marijuana into the sea before the border force could board the vessel. A spokesman for local ocean and wildlife expressed his concern for the effects of this marijuana floating in the sea. 'This incident has left no Tern unstoned' he said.

 

 

 

 

It's important to have a good vocabulary. 
If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.

Edited February 27, 2022 by bohemian

[Sheep]

Every dog has its day, 

But a dog with a broken tail has... a weekend.

[dilip kumar]

Mercedes for Sale @ Rs1/-

 

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for Rs1/-
She handed him the papers and the car keys. 
Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."

*Wives are Wives, in life, after death too...*🤣🤣🤣

[pnutts]

What do you get when playing on your tablet while going to the loo?

Spoiler

One kitten curled up in the sink and one kitten on the shower stool which has yet to be used by a human. This happens quite often in our household.

 

[rocket]

On 3/7/2022 at 2:19 AM, dilip kumar said:

Mercedes for Sale @ Rs1/-

 

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for Rs1/-
She handed him the papers and the car keys. 
Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."

*Wives are Wives, in life, after death too...*🤣🤣🤣

or about one cent - $0.01

[pnutts]

Out in Penticton BC a few years ago 2 pioneer sisters bought a car for next to nothing, sold it and bought 2 cars with money left over. It really was a case of spurned wife going through a divorce getting even.

[dilip kumar]

Let the meetings begin....

[Dages]

2 hours ago, dilip kumar said:

Let the meetings begin....

But that's a quote from the fake friend Eliphaz... this is satanic reasoning  

[dilip kumar]

🤣thanks for your reasoning...

[Skye]

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."

[Luigi62]

On 3/30/2022 at 5:23 PM, Skye said:

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."

[Doug]

On 3/29/2022 at 11:23 PM, Skye said:

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."

Want my 53 seconds back   .    .    

[dilip kumar]

Your Laugh for Today! 

Since Youngsters of Today have their Texting Codes ( *LOL*, *OMG*, *TTYL*, etc.) the Oldies decided not to be outdone by these kids and now have developed our own codes too :
*ATD* - At the Doctor's

*BFF* - Best Friend's Funeral

*BTW* - Bring the Wheelchair

*BYOT* - Bring your own teeth

*FWIW* - Forgot Where I Was

*GGPBL* - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

*GHA* - Got Heartburn Again

*TFT* - Texting From Toilet.

Now share this with some other oldies, who are 45+, and make their day.
 🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣😂😂

[Tortuga]

[Sun]

They hire a stutterer to sell bibles, after a few weeks he had sold more than 50 million bibles, to which his astonished sales colleagues tell him: how do you do it? What's your trick? And the stutterer answers: I, I, I, I, I, I, I come knocking, knocking on the door and ask: Madam, will you buy meeeee a bibleeee or shall I read it to youuuu?😁