Bible accounts that make you laugh

[sunshine]

10 hours ago, Pjdriver said:

 

Numbers 11:18-20

Jehovah will certainly give you meat, and you will eat.  19 You will eat, not one day nor 2 days nor 5 days nor 10 days nor 20 days,  20 but for a whole month of days, until it comes out of your nostrils....

Do you remember the line in the audio drama, "More quails than all the frogs of Egypt!" 

 

...that always makes me smile

Edited January 22, 2019 by sunshine

[sunshine]

11 hours ago, Saffron said:

Ezekiel is full of all kinds of fun things, right @Brother Jack? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes Ezekiel being transported to Jerusalem by his hair!  Priceless.

[Leon J]

15 hours ago, Gimestr said:

I always took it as if they were false prophets using Jesus name for their own benefit.

 

 

well i understand that. but I was referring to the words spoken by the demon.

"I know Jesus" - indeed the demon did.

" I am acquainted with Paul" - was probably one of many hovering over Pauls shoulder as he persecuted the congregation. they have been around a long time.

"but who are you" - stop playing with things you don't know about child. ~demon probably.

 

[Pjdriver]

Years ago when we had book study in homes, we read this account and a brother attending started laughing. Everyone turned to him, a little shocked... then everyone started laughing.

.  

 

Judges 3:19-25

But after reaching the carved images at Gilʹgal, he himself went back and said: “I have a secret message for you, O king.” So the king said: “Silence!” With that all his attendants left him.  20 So Eʹhud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. Then Eʹhud said: “I have a message from God for you.” So he rose up from his throne.  21 Then Eʹhud drew the sword from his right thigh with his left hand and plunged it into his belly.  22 The handle went in after the blade, and the fat closed in over the blade, for he did not draw the sword out of his belly, and the fecal matter came out.  23 Eʹhud went out through the porch, closing the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locking them.  24 After he left, the servants returned and saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked. So they said: “He must be relieving himself in the cool interior room.”  25 They kept waiting until they were embarrassed, but when they saw that he was still not opening the doors of the roof chamber, they took the key and opened them and saw their lord fallen to the floor,  dead!

Edited January 22, 2019 by Pjdriver

[Thomas Walker]

Not a bible story exactly, but how about this? When we were studying the "Life- How Did It Get Here?' book, many years ago. (I was a kid at the time) we got the the description of the physical universe, and how ordered it was; with things such as motion and gravity.

 

The scriptural reference for that point was 2 Kings 9:30-37. (The death of Jezebel). The conductor had us read that passage. It was a study about physics, so we were all quite confused. Nobody had a clue, so I remembered the moment.

 

Some years later, I realised. The notation was referencing Gravity. Jezebel fell out the window.

 

(Let's be honest, guys. God having a sense of humor explains so very much.)

[Friends just call me Ross]

12 hours ago, Thomas Walker said:

(Let's be honest, guys. God having a sense of humor explains so very much.)

Too funny!  And too true!  And you do a fine job of reflecting this greatly appreciated quality of our Heavenly Father. 

[nicolette]

On 1/21/2019 at 7:36 PM, Saffron said:

There was one sister who sent me a scripture by text the other day. The message said: "Well... this is in the bible." (Ezekiel 23:20) 

 

We laughed way harder than we should have. 🤣🤣🤣 Shame on us!

 

 

 

 

I do not want to know, why she sent you the text in the first place.  Too funny!

 

[Cornflake]

Acts 23: 13 There were more than 40 men who formed this oath-bound conspiracy.  14 These men went to the chief priests and the elders and said: “We have solemnly bound ourselves with a curse not to eat anything at all until we have killed Paul.

 

Every time I read this I wonder how long they lasted. I imagine one being caught eating a couple of days later and someone saying to him, “I thought you weren’t eating until you killed Paul. You know, the one who’s been taken away by the Romans”. His answer, “I don’t want to talk about it!”

 

😂

[Leon J]

1 hour ago, Cornflake said:

Acts 23: 13 There were more than 40 men who formed this oath-bound conspiracy.  14 These men went to the chief priests and the elders and said: “We have solemnly bound ourselves with a curse not to eat anything at all until we have killed Paul.

 

oh snap! i was just wondering about that during the weekly bible reading a few weeks ago. Our meeting was cancelled due to weather so I never got to hear how anyone else commented on it. 

one of the great mysteries of the bible. did they die because they were that stubborn?

 

[Gimestr]

2 hours ago, Cornflake said:

Acts 23: 13 There were more than 40 men who formed this oath-bound conspiracy.  14 These men went to the chief priests and the elders and said: “We have solemnly bound ourselves with a curse not to eat anything at all until we have killed Paul.

 

Every time I read this I wonder how long they lasted. I imagine one being caught eating a couple of days later and someone saying to him, “I thought you weren’t eating until you killed Paul. You know, the one who’s been taken away by the Romans”. His answer, “I don’t want to talk about it!”

 

😂

lol

 

"So you haven't lost any weight, are you eating?"

"NO, not at all"

"are those bread crumbs on your clothes"

"oh no, that must be some dust"

"do I smell wine on you?"

"Oh definitely not, I think I hear my wife calling, see you around"

[Intercore]

Galatians 5:12 in English sounds like normal ("I wish the men who are trying to unsettle you would emasculate themselves") but in Lithuanian these words are said more straightforwardly. It sounds something like this: "I wish that these who are trying to unsettle/confuse you would better cut off everything".

Strongly said!

Edited January 30, 2019 by Intercore

[Cushi]

Today in my Bible reading I came across a verse that I’ve always found funny:

 

Quote

18 He asked Zeʹbah and Zal·munʹna: “What sort of men did you kill in Taʹbor?” To this they said: “They were like you, each one looked like the son of a king.” 19 At that he said: “They were my brothers, the sons of my mother. As surely as Jehovah lives, if you had spared their lives, I would not have to kill you.” 20 Then he said to Jeʹther his firstborn: “Get up, kill them.” But the young man did not draw his sword; he was afraid, for he was still a young man. 21 So Zeʹbah and Zal·munʹna said: “Get up yourself and slay us, for a man is judged by his mightiness.”* So Gidʹe·on got up and killed Zeʹbah and Zal·munʹna+ and took the crescent-shaped ornaments that were on the necks of their camels.

[1MKnight]

The King of Israel wants to take Syria. King Jehoshaphat tells him to first inquire of Jehovah. 

(1 Kings 22:5-17) . . .6 So the king of Israel gathered the prophets together, about 400 men, and said to them: “Should I go to war against Raʹmoth-gilʹe·ad, or should I refrain?” They said: “Go up, and Jehovah will give it into the king’s hand.” 7 Je·hoshʹa·phat then said: “Is there not here a prophet of Jehovah? Let us also inquire through him.” 8 At that the king of Israel said to Je·hoshʹa·phat: “There is still one more man through whom we can inquire of Jehovah; but I hate him, for he never prophesies good things concerning me, only bad. He is Mi·caiʹah the son of Imʹlah.” However, Je·hoshʹa·phat said: “The king should not say such a thing.” 9 So the king of Israel called a court official and said: “Bring Mi·caiʹah the son of Imʹlah quickly.” 10 Now the king of Israel and Je·hoshʹa·phat the king of Judah were each sitting on his throne, dressed in royal attire, at the threshing floor at the entrance of the gate of Sa·marʹi·a, and all the prophets were prophesying before them. 11 Then Zed·e·kiʹah the son of Che·naʹa·nah made for himself iron horns and said: “This is what Jehovah says, ‘With these you will gore the Syrians until you exterminate them.’” 12 All the other prophets were prophesying the same way, saying: “Go up to Raʹmoth-gilʹe·ad and you will be successful; Jehovah will give it into the king’s hand.”

13 So the messenger who went to call Mi·caiʹah said to him: “Look! The words of the prophets are unanimously favorable to the king. Let your word, please, become like their words, and speak favorably.” 14 But Mi·caiʹah said: “As surely as Jehovah is living, whatever Jehovah says to me is what I will speak.” 15 Then he came in to the king, and the king asked him: “Mi·caiʹah, should we go to war against Raʹmoth-gilʹe·ad, or should we refrain?” At once he replied: “Go up and you will be successful; Jehovah will give it into the king’s hand.” 16 At that the king said to him: “How many times must I put you under oath not to speak to me anything but the truth in the name of Jehovah?” 

 

Then, Micaiah tells the King what Jehovah really said. I find it funny because EVERYONE knew what Micaiah was going to say. I imagine the first time Micaiah speaks he is doing so in an obviously sarcastic tone so as to mock him. It must be so obvious that even the King who was asking knew that's not what he meant. It gives me a laugh anyways xD 

[McKay]

All of Judges 15 makes me laugh. Samson is a total madman and Jehovah is apparently fine with all of it! Here's the rundown:

 

Samson's father-in-law gives his wife to another man and offers the more attractive younger sister to Samson. He replies, "This time I cannot be blamed by the Philistines for harming them." Wait a sec. This time??

 

Then he goes and gathers 300 foxes (somehow) and before LIGHTING THE FOXES ON FIRE, he ties their tails together with a torch in the middle!!! The foxes burn everything down.

 

But Samson isn't done yet. When the Philistines find out he did this, they kill his wife and father-in-law because...reasons. Samson tells them: "If this is how you act (wait a second, you just set their fields on fire with FOXES!!!), I will not quit until I take revenge on you." He slaughters them all and hangs out in a cave afterwards, presumably to sleep because he's had a busy day gathering foxes and killing Philistines.

 

But wait, there's more! The Philistines want Samson handed over so 3000 men of Judah ask Samson (who's still in the cave) why he did what he did. Samson's reply: "As they did to me, so I did to them." They promise not to attack him but bind him in order to hand him over. That's when Jehovah (who, by the way, has not indicated any disapproval over Samson's behavior) allows him to free himself from the ropes, after which Samson kills 1000 men with a jawbone of a donkey.

 

After all this, what does he do? "...he threw the jawbone away and called that place [Lofty Place of the Jawbone]."

 

Can't you just wait to meet this guy in the Paradise?

[Alsadan47]

2 Kings 2:23, 24

He went up from there to Bethʹel. As he was going along the way, some young boys came out from the city and began to jeer at him, and they kept saying to him: “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” Finally he turned around and looked at them and cursed them in the name of Jehovah. Then two she-bears came out of the forest and tore 42 of the children to pieces.

 

- Bears, aka divine excutioners.

 

Not sure why, but always made me smile reading that part.

[Gimestr]

45 minutes ago, Duplo said:

All of Judges 15 makes me laugh. Samson is a total madman and Jehovah is apparently fine with all of it! Here's the rundown:

 

Samson's father-in-law gives his wife to another man and offers the more attractive younger sister to Samson. He replies, "This time I cannot be blamed by the Philistines for harming them." Wait a sec. This time??

 

Then he goes and gathers 300 foxes (somehow) and before LIGHTING THE FOXES ON FIRE, he ties their tails together with a torch in the middle!!! The foxes burn everything down.

 

But Samson isn't done yet. When the Philistines find out he did this, they kill his wife and father-in-law because...reasons. Samson tells them: "If this is how you act (wait a second, you just set their fields on fire with FOXES!!!), I will not quit until I take revenge on you." He slaughters them all and hangs out in a cave afterwards, presumably to sleep because he's had a busy day gathering foxes and killing Philistines.

 

But wait, there's more! The Philistines want Samson handed over so 3000 men of Judah ask Samson (who's still in the cave) why he did what he did. Samson's reply: "As they did to me, so I did to them." They promise not to attack him but bind him in order to hand him over. That's when Jehovah (who, by the way, has not indicated any disapproval over Samson's behavior) allows him to free himself from the ropes, after which Samson kills 1000 men with a jawbone of a donkey.

 

After all this, what does he do? "...he threw the jawbone away and called that place [Lofty Place of the Jawbone]."

 

Can't you just wait to meet this guy in the Paradise?

I love Samson's story.  He is a little slow at times especially in Judges 16:6-18 where he just can't grasp that he is being fooled.  You think after the second attempt he would see that Deli'lah was playing him.

 

Quote

 

6 De·liʹlah later said to Samson: “Please tell me where your great power comes from and what can be used to tie you and subdue you.” 7 Samson said to her: “If they tie me with seven fresh bowstrings* that have not been dried out, I will grow as weak as an ordinary man.” 8 So the lords of the Phi·lisʹtines brought up to her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried out, and she tied him with them. 9 Now they set an ambush in the inner room, and she called out to him: “The Phi·lisʹtines are upon you, Samson!” At that he tore apart the bowstrings, just as easily as a thread of flax* comes apart when it touches fire.+ The secret of his power did not become known.

10 Then De·liʹlah said to Samson: “Look! You have fooled me* and told me lies. Now tell me, please, what can be used to tie you.” 11 So he said to her: “If they tie me up with new ropes that have not been used for work, I will grow as weak as an ordinary man.” 12 So De·liʹlah took new ropes and tied him with them and called out: “The Phi·lisʹtines are upon you, Samson!” (All the while the ambush was set in the inner room.) At that he tore them off his arms like threads.+

13 After that De·liʹlah said to Samson: “Up until now you have fooled me and told me lies.+ Tell me what can be used to tie you.” Then he said to her: “If you weave the seven braids of my head with the warp thread.” 14 So she fixed them with a pin and called out to him: “The Phi·lisʹtines are upon you, Samson!” So he woke up from his sleep and pulled out the loom pin and the warp thread.

15 She now said to him: “How can you say, ‘I love you,’+ when your heart is not with me? These three times you have fooled me and have not told me the source of your great power.”+ 16 Because day after day she kept nagging him and pressuring him, he* was weary to the point of dying.+17 So he finally opened his heart to her, saying: “A razor has never touched my head, because I am a Nazʹi·rite of God from birth.*+ If I am shaved, my power will leave me and I will grow weak and become like all other men.”

18 When De·liʹlah saw that he had opened his heart to her, she immediately summoned the Phi·lisʹtine lords,+ saying: “Come up this time, for he has opened his heart to me.” So the Phi·lisʹtine lords came up to her, bringing the money with them. 19 She made him fall asleep on her knees; then she called the man and had him shave off the seven braids of his head. After that she began to have control over him, for his power was leaving him. 20 Now she called out: “The Phi·lisʹtines are upon you, Samson!” He woke up from his sleep and said: “I will go out as at other times+ and shake myself free.” But he did not know that Jehovah had left him. 21 So the Phi·lisʹtines seized him and bored his eyes out. Then they brought him down to Gazʹa and bound him with two copper fetters, and he became a grinder of grain in the prison. 22 But the hair of his head started to grow back again after he had been shaved.+

 

3

 

 

 

[ChrisC]

I am glad they changed the wording of Daniel 7:7 for the rNWT because I could never read it with a straight face.

 

Da 7:7 “After this I kept on beholding in the visions of the night, and, see there! a fourth beast, fearsome and terrible and unusually strong. And it had teeth of iron, big ones.It was devouring and crushing, and what was left it was treading down with its feet. And it was something different from all the [other] beasts that were prior to it, and it had ten horns. 

 

rNWT Da 7:7 “After this I kept watching in the visions of the night, and I saw a fourth beast, fearsome and terrifying and unusually strong, and it had large iron teeth. It was devouring and crushing, and what was left it trampled down with its feet. It was different from all the other beasts that were prior to it, and it had ten horns. 

 

Another thing that made me smile was (slightly misquoted): ‘You would-be-thrower-downer-of-the-Temple-and-rebuilder-of-it-in-three-days you!’

Edited February 7, 2019 by ChrisC

[ChocoBro]

I like to quote this one as proof that even contemporaries had a difficult time understanding Paul's extensive deliberations

 

Quote

Furthermore, consider the patience of our Lord as salvation, just as our beloved brother Paul also wrote you according to the wisdom given him, 16 speaking about these things as he does in all his letters. However, some things in them are hard to understand, and these things the ignorant and unstable are twisting, as they do also the rest of the Scriptures, to their own destruction.

2 Peter 3:15,16

 

[Vinnie]

I always found it funny how Jehovah reacted to Moses smashing the two stone tablets of the law.

 

Exodus 32:19 As soon as Moses …...saw the calf ….. he threw the tablets from his hands and shattered them at the foot of the mountain.

 

Talk about a perfect parent teaching a  son a lesson...

 

Exodus 34: 1-3 Then Jehovah said to Moses: “Carve out for yourself two tablets of stone like the first ones, and I will write on the tablets the words that appeared on the first tablets, which you shattered.2 Get ready for the morning, as you will go up in the morning to Mount Siʹnai and station yourself before me there on the top of the mountain.3 But nobody may go up with you, and nobody else should be seen anywhere on the mountain. Not even the flocks or herds should graze in front of that mountain...

 

Jehovah made 100%  sure that the tablets would make it into the Ark of the tabernacle.   

[EccentricM]

I was reading 2 Samuel recently, the part where David's forces fight his son, Absalom and his forces in the forest. This part made me laugh.

 

"Abʹsa·lom eventually found himself facing the servants of David. Abʹsa·lom was riding on a mule, and the mule went under the thick branches of a large tree, and his head got entangled in the big tree, so that he was suspended in midair while the mule he had been riding kept going. " -  2 Samuel 18:9

 

 

[trottigy]

Elijah teasing the Baal priest always cracks me up:

 

Quote

About noon E·liʹjah began to mock them and say: “Call out at the top of your voice! After all, he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought or he has gone to relieve himself. Or maybe he is asleep and someone needs to wake him up!”  (1 Kings 18:27)
 

I too get deep in thought when I am sitting on the toilet   

 

 

Edited February 9, 2019 by trottigy

[EccentricM]

18 minutes ago, trottigy said:

 

 

I too get deep in thought when I am sitting on the toilet   

 

 

Same, but with me my ADD/ADHD extends my bathroom time, because I feel the need to go, get too distracted from actually making my way to the bathroom, then once I get to the bathroom I stand there and daydream for a good while (or end up dancing on the spot if listening to music), and then I go, and then I daydream even more sitting there. Lol.

 

Hmmm

 

Quote

maybe he is asleep and someone needs to wake him up!

I too, also have erratic sleep patterns and often sleep in the day... did the god of these people have ADHD too?

Edited February 9, 2019 by EccentricM

[Tortuga]

25 minutes ago, EccentricM said:

Same, but with me my ADD/ADHD extends my bathroom time, because I feel the need to go, get too distracted from actually making my way to the bathroom, then once I get to the bathroom I stand there and daydream for a good while (or end up dancing on the spot if listening to music), and then I go, and then I daydream even more sitting there. Lol.

 

TMI!

I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry...

[Shawn]

1 hour ago, EccentricM said:

Same, but with me my ADD/ADHD extends my bathroom time, because I feel the need to go, get too distracted from actually making my way to the bathroom, then once I get to the bathroom I stand there and daydream for a good while (or end up dancing on the spot if listening to music), and then I go, and then I daydream even more sitting there. Lol.

I always appreciate and love your candid posts.  Friends like you are the splashes of color that make the bouquet of our brotherhood so beautiful! 

[Myew]

This thread. 

Alas, poor Solomon...
(Proverbs 21:9) Better to dwell on a corner of the roof Than in the same house with a quarrelsome wife.
(Proverbs 21:19) Better to dwell in the wilderness Than with a quarrelsome and irritable wife.
(Proverbs 25:24) Better to dwell on a corner of the roof Than in the same house with a quarrelsome wife.
(Proverbs 27:15) A quarrelsome wife is like a constantly leaking roof on a rainy day.
(Proverbs 30:18, 19) There are three things that are beyond my comprehension, And four that I do not understand: 19 The way of an eagle in the heavens, The way of a serpent on a rock, The way of a ship in the open sea, And the way of a man with a young woman.