A good joke

[dilip kumar]

Smart and intelligent wife

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

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[Dantheman136]

On 1/12/2016 at 6:50 PM, bohemian said:

I went to see my doctor.

I said, " My sister always treats me like Lucy treats Linus!"

He said, "I see, you have an analogy to Peanuts."

You  got me on that one.

[Dantheman136]

On 9/19/2015 at 3:50 PM, Friends just call me Ross said:

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. 

 

 

 

 

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant

 

 

he went to the other night with his wife. 

 

 

 

 

 

“Really?” one of the men said.  "What’s it called? 

 

 

 

 

 

After thinking for a few seconds, Harry asked,

 

 

“What are those good smelling flowers called again?” 

 

 

 

 

 

“Do you mean a rose?" the first man questioned. 

 

 

 

 

 

“Yes that’s it,” Harry exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said,

 

 

“Rose, what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love telling that joke, especially since I'm on the wrong side of 65 and my wife's name is Rose.

[nanceebgd46]

Thanks for the joke @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ You done GOOD!

                                        

[dilip kumar]

A good medical QUOTE:-

Obesity is not because it runs in the family!!!!!

It is because, no one runs in the family!!!!! 😄😄😄😄

ப.பி

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[Brenda]

Good one ... Dilip

[dilip kumar]

SUPERB_ Definitions

Wonderfully described definitions.......

MARRIAGE:

It's an agreement

wherein

a man loses his bachelor degree

and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:

An art of transmitting Information

from the notes of the lecturer

to the notes of students

without passing through the minds

of either

CONFERENCE:

The confusion of one man

multiplied by the

number present

COMPROMISE:

The art of dividing

a cake in such a way that

everybody believes

he got the biggest piece

TEARS:

The hydraulic force by which

masculine will power is

defeated by feminine water-power!

DICTIONARY:

A place where divorce comes

before marriage

CONFERENCE ROOM:

A place where everybody talks,

nobody listens

and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:

A feeling when you feel

you are going to feel

a feeling

you have never felt before

CLASSIC:

A book

which people praise,

but never read

SMILE:

A curve

that can set

a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:

A place

where you can relax

after your strenuous

home life

YAWN:

The only time

when some married men

ever get to open

their mouth

ETC:

A sign

to make others believe

that you know

more than

you actually do

COMMITTEE:

Individuals

who can do

nothing individually

and sit to decide

that nothing can be done

together

EXPERIENCE:

The name

men give

to their

Mistakes

ATOM BOMB:

An invention

to bring an end

to all

inventions

PHILOSOPHER:

A fool

who torments himself

during life,

to be spoken of

when dead

DIPLOMAT:

A person

who tells you

to go to hell

in such a way

that you actually look forward

to the trip

OPPORTUNIST:

A person

who starts taking bath

if he

accidentally falls

into a river

OPTIMIST:

A person

who while falling

from EIFFEL TOWER

says in midway

"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST:

A person

who says that

O is the last letter

in ZERO,

Instead of the first letter

in OPPORTUNITY

MISER:

A person

who lives poor

so that

he can die RICH!

FATHER:

A banker

provided by

nature

CRIMINAL:

A guy

no different

from the other,

unless he gets caught

BOSS:

Someone

who is early

when you are late

and late

when you are early

POLITICIAN:

One who

shakes your hand

before elections

and your Confidence

Later

DOCTOR:

A person

who kills

your ills

by pills,

and kills you

by his bills! 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄

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[dilip kumar]

The Thirsty Criminal

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance.

Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.

‘Hey you, do you have water?’ Pants the criminal.

The old man replied, ‘I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie ?? They are only $5.’

The criminal, frustrated shouted, ‘you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!”

‘There’s no call for threats,’ said the old tie seller indignantly, ‘but even though you don’t want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I’ll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you’ll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck !!”

Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

“Everything ok ??” Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

“THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A TIE …… ”

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Farmer explaining the accident – funny

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

‘Didn’t you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Angus said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus’ answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie’.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

‘Now wat da hell would you say?

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[dilip kumar]

Old couple in heaven

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your stupid bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

[Old]

      If you realize things are getting worse, and you're thrilled. You might be a JW   

[dilip kumar]

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?

Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..

Waiter :- Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

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[dilip kumar]

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[gayathri]

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[dilip kumar]

An unemployed engineer graduate was looking out

for a

suitable job in his stream.

He attended several

exams and many personal interviews, only to

be

rejected.

.

.

.

.

Being fed up after so many months of his

job hunt, he decided to get into any job that

can

satisfy his food and daily needs.

.

.

.

.

.

He visited a

circus group and asked for a job.

But the owner

said that there wasn't any job for his education

level. Also he said that there is a vacancy to

act

as a monkey and perform funny actions. The

unemployed youth accepted the offer since he

can

at least afford his daily food.

.

.

.

.

.

So he dressed up as a monkey and entertained

the

audience. One day while he was performing the

monkey skills, he accidentally fell into the

lion's

ring.

.

.

.

.

Everyone was shocked as the monkey fell into

lion's ring. No one knew that he was a man

dressed up as a monkey.

The man himself was

dreadful and feared for his life.

He felt pity for

himself as he going to be a victim of

unemployment.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The lion came closer to him but didn't attack.

He

was surprised. The lion whispered,

"Hey buddy ,its me , Peter. 2015 batch... Mechanical.."😂😂😂😂

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[dilip kumar]

😳😳

Extreme Work Pressure:

An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.

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[dilip kumar]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him . The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding. I'll let U go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! 😵😁😖😂

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "😂😂😂😂😂😂

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[Tortuga]

After Armageddon;

 

JEHOVAH: "Richard, here is your work assignment"

RICHARD: "Here I am, send me"

JEHOVAH: "Here is a small brush and hammer, I want you to clean up New York and turn the entire area into a garden"

RICHARD: "But, that will take forever!"

JEHOVAH: "True, what's your point?"

[rocket]

18 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

After Armageddon;

 

JEHOVAH: "Richard, here is your work assignment"

RICHARD: "Here I am, send me"

JEHOVAH: "Here is a small brush and hammer, I want you to clean up New York and turn the entire area into a garden"

RICHARD: "But, that will take forever!"

JEHOVAH: "True, what's your point?"

You might have to get out of your shell for that one. 

[Old]

[dilip kumar]

One Awesome Joke

One day an ✈aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the pilots’ cockpit when he saw a 📕book entitled “How to fly an aeroplane✈ for beginners. Volume One”.

He opened the first page which said, “To start the engine, press the 🔴red button.”. He did so and the airplane engine started.

He was happy and opened the next page. “To set airplane moving press the blue🔵 button.”

He did so and the ✈aeroplane started moving at an amazing speed.

He wanted to fly so he opened the third page which read, “To let the aeroplane fly, please press the ♻green button.”

He did this and the plane started to ✈✈✈fly.

He was excited!!!🌻

After 20 minutes of flying, he was satisfied and wanted to land so he decided to go to the fourth page.

He fainted 😱after reading the instruction..

The fourth page read, “To learn how to land, please purchase Volume Two at the nearest bookshop!!!!😜😆

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[dilip kumar]

I am Truly Thankful

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!….” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don””t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”

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[dilip kumar]

Policeman taking interview to select detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”(Side pose…)

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “For God’s sake, What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him??”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses…”

The policeman is surprised and speechless… “Wow! I can’t believe it … it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation??”

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear…”

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[dilip kumar]

Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”! 

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”

POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”

POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

POLE: “I got proof.”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say

“Polish Remover.”

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[dilip kumar]

Two old high school classmates – funny

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, they had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes,….. yes I will!”

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn’t remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No?’

“Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart.”

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”

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[bohemian]

A friend of mne has a girlfriend who is a quite a bit on the large size, and she is really into fast cars.  He asked her what she wanted as a present and she said "something that goes from 0 to 60 in three seconds".....

He bought her a set of bathroom scales.