A good joke

[Musky]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the 
night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, 
Paddy."

 

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his 
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and 
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

 

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "WOW!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and 
get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies 
up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of 
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and 
falls flat on his face.

 

"Bi'Lord.. I'm soused," he says.

 

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He 
crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and 
looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No stinkin' way." 

 

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think 
I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on 
his face again. He says, "This is awful. I gotta stop drinking," but manages 
to crawl to the bed and fall in.

 

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee 
and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

 

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally snockered. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[well]

26 minutes ago, Musky said:

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee 
and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

 

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally snockered. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Wow! This is the power of alcohol!

[Musky]

28 minutes ago, ivy said:

Wow! This is the power of alcohol!

Here's another:

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ‘
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ 
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ 
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’ 
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ 
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ 
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’ 
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’ 
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’ 
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’ 
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’ 
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink. 
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’ 
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ 
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

[John Doe]

A Just-graduated-American spy walks in to a bar in central Moscow under the Soviet regime. He orders a shot of Vodka. He sits down right next to one of the local people and starts talking to him. The spy is talking to the fellow in perfect Russian. The other guy offers him a shot of Vodka. A couple of hours and lots of Vodka later, the spy stands up and begin to sing one of the local sad songs. There's not an eye dry in the bar.

When the spy finished his song he sits down and the fellow aside him says: "Well done for a American spy!" The spy turned his head in surprise and asked: "How did you know???" The fellow next to him replies: "Well, there's not a lot of black guys in Russia..."

The One, Swyped.

[pnutts]

14 hours ago, Qapla said:

Over here that joke about the man jumping is told as a blonde joke 

In Canada it is a toss up over Blonde or Newfie.

 

That reminds me of a true story that went viral ( front page news ) across Canada before most heard of such a thing as viral.

 

2 Guys in Toronto were arrested trying to hot wire a car. They couldn't get it started.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Car had no engine!   They were from Newfieland ( Newfoundland ).

Edited April 12, 2016 by pnutts

[Witness1970]

On 1/13/2016 at 4:33 PM, Tortuga said:

I think the best way to keep mosquitos off of you is to pull their legs off when they fly by, then they can't land on you. So far I have been 100% successful. Prove me wrong...

So that's where all those legless mosquitoes came from.  I was wondering about that.

[Witness1970]

On 2/26/2016 at 1:13 PM, dilip kumar said:

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When my family plans a family reunion!

[Witness1970]

There were two blondes that decide to prove they were actually smart.  They decided they would build a shed.

First blonde: keeps throwing away a lot of nails.

Second Blonde:  "Why are you throwing away so many nails?"

First blonde:  "Because they have the heads on the wrong end"

Second blonde:  "You really are stupid!  Those nails are for the other side of the wall."

[pnutts]

1 hour ago, Witness1970 said:

There were two blondes that decide to prove they were actually smart.  They decided they would build a shed.

First blonde: keeps throwing away a lot of nails.

Second Blonde:  "Why are you throwing away so many nails?"

First blonde:  "Because they have the heads on the wrong end"

Second blonde:  "You really are stupid!  Those nails are for the other side of the wall."

Newfie joke from years ago.  Some substituted English for Newfie. I think they were Irish who told English jokes.

[gayathri]

Attitude of Indian politicians

Interviewer:

How long would it take you

to buy BMW?

Doctor: Well..

I think at least 3 months.

IT Guy : It should take

about 5 months of work.

Engineer: 1 year of work.

Tamilnadu politician:

I think for that..

I should work for 5 years

Interviewer:

Why sooooooooo long??

Tamilnadu politicians:

Well,

BMW is quite a big company!

Interviewer: 😳😳😳😳...

😄😄😄😄 That is attitude!

Message Is funny but think of it

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[Tortuga]

Two non-gender/heritage/hair color specific people rented a fishing boat and took it to the nearest lake to go fishing. They tried one spot after another and didn't catch anything until finally they found a good spot and caught a boat load of vegan/pita approved fish-like creatures that were treated in a very humane way and released back to the state regulated wild.

 

One individual turned to the other and said;

 

"Mark this spot Bubba, this here is a good one!"

 

After they diligently ensured they had complied with all the local/state/federal/environmental/moral laws/rules/regulations/principles and local cultures, they returned the boat and headed home for some spouse approved non-alcoholic drinks. 

 

"Hey Bubba, did ya mark the spot real good?"

 

"Ya Billy-Joe, I put a big X right there on the side of the boat where we was fishing!"

 

"You dummy! (spoken in a loving non-judgement way)

 

What if we get a different boat next time!"

[Witness1970]

On 4/12/2016 at 4:58 PM, Tortuga said:

Two non-gender/heritage/hair color specific people rented a fishing boat and took it to the nearest lake to go fishing. They tried one spot after another and didn't catch anything until finally they found a good spot and caught a boat load of vegan/pita approved fish-like creatures that were treated in a very humane way and released back to the state regulated wild.

 

One individual turned to the other and said;

 

"Mark this spot Bubba, this here is a good one!"

 

After they diligently ensured they had complied with all the local/state/federal/environmental/moral laws/rules/regulations/principles and local cultures, they returned the boat and headed home for some spouse approved non-alcoholic drinks. 

 

"Hey Bubba, did ya mark the spot real good?"

 

"Ya Billy-Joe, I put a big X right there on the side of the boat where we was fishing!"

 

"You dummy! (spoken in a loving non-judgement way)

 

What if we get a different boat next time!"

With names like Bubba and Billy-Joe, I think we can narrow it down.  Thos must have been Alabama folks!   LOL  

[sweetwillow58]

Here's another:

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ‘

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ 

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ 

The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin , I am.’ 

The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ 

‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ 

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’ 

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’ 

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’ 

The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’ 

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’ 

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink. 

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’ 

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ 

‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

May I share this?

BestLifeEVER

[dilip kumar]

Queen Elizabeth / Obama!!!

One of the best jokes to come along and it's not even political!

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

😝😝😂😂

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[Qapla]

[Ms. Piffle]

i needed a good laugh.  thanks for sharing.  

[Tortuga]

What a gas!

[Omoyeme]

Ate too many horseradishes maybe? 

[dilip kumar]

I have laughed maybe you will also smile......

. On the day of his baptism, Bob was dipped in the Water 3 times by the Pastor, who told him "as from today you are a new creature and your new name will be Brother Daniel...you should avoid drinking and committing other sins.

Brother Daniel was very happy with himself and the baptism.

Upon getting home, Brother Daniel opened his fridge and found a bottle of Heineken beer; he took a lingering look at it then picked it up and dipped it in water 3 times; and then announced "from today you are a new creature and your new name will be Yoghurt...".

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[dilip kumar]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ !

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10...!! )

(Only Dumb guys will fail !! )

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get Cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a Camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a Purple Finch?

9) Where do Chinese Gooseberries come from?

10) What is the color of the Black Box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to Pass.

Jot down your answers and Check your score below.

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ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

A) 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? A) Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get Cat gut?

A) Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

A) Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

A) Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

A) Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?

A) Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

A) New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? A) Orange

What do you mean, you failed...??

Me, too, in flying colours...!!

(And if you tell me you passed, you are lying...!!)

bye Brilliant Friends...!!

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk

[dilip kumar]

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk

[kejedo]

1 hour ago, dilip kumar said:

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ !

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10...!! )

(Only Dumb guys will fail !! )

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get Cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a Camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a Purple Finch?

9) Where do Chinese Gooseberries come from?

10) What is the color of the Black Box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to Pass.

Jot down your answers and Check your score below.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

. 

.

.

.

.

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

A) 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? A) Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get Cat gut?

A) Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A) November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

A) Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

A) Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

A) Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?

A) Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

A) New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? A) Orange

What do you mean, you failed...??

Me, too, in flying colours...!!

(And if you tell me you passed, you are lying...!!)

bye Brilliant Friends...!!

Sent from my C6802 using Tapatalk

11)Where was Madame Curie (discovered radon) from? Ans.POland

12) Where did the Polka (dance) originate? ans  Czech republic ( formerly Bohemia)

13) What instrument did Fiddler on the Roof play? ans. I don't know. Never saw it.

 

[Tortuga]

Today a sister explained where the expression 'Horseplay' came from...

 

Apparently there were Unicorns on Noah's Ark and one day the two Unicorn started playing around like horses do and were chasing each other around the ark. Sadly one of them was moving too fast, didn't stop soon enough and impaled their horn into the side of the wooden ark. Noah and the family did everything they could to free the unicorn but unfortunately it was stuck there for the rest of it's life. The other unicorn lived long enough to see the post-flood rainbow but eventually died of old age.

 

There is an old song that says the unicorns were playing so much they missed the ark, the real story is they were on the ark but only one got off.

Either way, you shouldn't horse around....

[kejedo]

From online etymology. "Related: Horsed; horsing. Sense of "to play excessive jokes on" is by 1893, mostly in formation horse around (1928), perhaps from horseplay."

 

Surely those two unicorn supposed anecdotes ARE playing excessive jokes on the house because you forget to mention that they had beards.

[dilip kumar]

More Important Things in life

Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his

bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that

was addressed to “Mom” With the worst premonition she opened the

envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Mom she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really

hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Mom. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I

just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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Little old lady and 3 sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I have got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

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