A good joke

[Tortuga]

I heard the local electronics store had cloaking devices on sale, the shelf was empty when I got there...

...or was it...

[dilip kumar]

A Funny case of kiss and a slap-


A Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.

The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.

The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

The Old woman is thinking:

These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

The Young girl is thinking:

The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.

The Manager is thinking:

Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Now guess what the Assistant is thinking.


Now hold your breath and read what the Assistant is thinking.

If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my Manager again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

[dilip kumar]

A drunk man was lying on the road.

A nice man went & asked him... Why did you drink so much?

The drunk man said :
I had to drink as I had no other choice...

The nice man asked him : Why what was the compulsion..

Drunk : I lost the cap of the bottle.

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

[Tortuga]

The city maintenance crew is working on a main road in town and they must be pretty proud of their work, I saw several signs that said "Double Fine Zone"

 

[Old]

This probably shouldn't be here, more of a life experience than a good joke, but here it is, enjoy!

 

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

 

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

 

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

 

Edited November 18, 2017 by Old

[kejedo]

Dr. Brother Jerry, thanks for the recommendation of Big Tom's -Toenail -Curling, Chilli ,followed by Coor's LIght beer.  I didn't know how to start a poll to see if anybody else has tried this.  My doc says to have some juice, but dilute it. I have orange juice. Should I dilute it with rum, gin, or vodka? I want to be ready for upcoming med tests. 

Y   S 

p.s. do you have any remedies that curl hair? I am tired of the morning blow dryer.  

p.p. s. This is probably also in the wrong place or OT. Feel free to move or delete.  

[Tortuga]

We had chili for lunch at the AH today, I'm glad the sister that cooked lunch wasn't from New Mexico! 

[pnutts]

On 11/17/2017 at 7:43 PM, Old said:

This probably shouldn't be here, more of a life experience than a good joke, but here it is, enjoy!

Somebody rewrote the chili judge joke and posted it as their own. I thought I posted the original by Bruce Cameron, ages ago. e.g. #5 was Linda's Legal Lip Remover.

Looking. Found one that says it is from Texas that has #5 correct. How many versions are there? 

Almost died laughing trying to tell it to someone.

Still deserves a laugh.

 

Chili Judge
Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com

===> Please do not remove the copyright from this essay! <===

Edited November 19, 2017 by pnutts

[pnutts]

original chili judge.

 

I saw this almost 20 years ago, online. Yup am that online, back when it was dial up and net was really slow.

How slow. Molasses in July slow ( at South Pole ) .

[Old]

9 minutes ago, pnutts said:

original chili judge.

 

I saw this almost 20 years ago, online. Yup am that online, back when it was dial up and net was really slow.

How slow. Molasses in July slow ( at South Pole ) .

5

Thanks, that is about the time and circumstance when I first saw it, but it had already been plagiarized. I Found my version on a google search, again not the original. I have never seen the copyrighted original prior to your post.

 

[pnutts]

Bruce had some really good ones back then - and they were Freeeee. .

Chili judge is still one of my favorites.

When I have time, should look them up, if I still have them - on a disk -

not floppy - have no way of reading floppy anymore ( either size ).

[1gemstone]

1 hour ago, pnutts said:

original chili judge.

 

I saw this almost 20 years ago, online. Yup am that online, back when it was dial up and net was really slow.

How slow. Molasses in July slow ( at South Pole ) .

Thanks for posting, to funny.

[pnutts]

Found some from way back when. Here is one of the dog gone things.

 

Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 20:50:49 -0600
   From: Linda S Washington
Subject: TEENAGERS

This is soooo funny and soooo true!

 

Subject: Teenagers (author unknown)

 

I just realized that while children are dogs -- loyal and
affectionate -- teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner.
You feed it, train it, boss it around.  It puts its head on your knee
and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting.  It bounds
indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old
cat.  When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if
wondering who died and made you emperor.  Instead of dogging your
doorsteps, it disappears.  You won't see it again until it gets hungry
-- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to
turn its nose up at whatever you're serving.  When you reach out to
ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from
you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it
has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be
desperately wrong with it.  It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort
of depressed. It won't go on family outings.

Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and
sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with
guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before
now produces the opposite of the desired result.  Call it, and it
runs away.  Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter.  The more
you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to
behave like a cat owner.  Put a dish of food near the door, and let
it come to you.  But remember that a cat needs your help and your
affection too.  Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm,
comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten.  Be there to open the
door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big
kiss and say,

"You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

[pnutts]

Date: Wednesday, June 09, 1999 8:10 AM
Subject: Why we need tech support!!

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.  The tech asked her if she was "running it
under Windows."  The woman responded, "No, my desk is
next to the door. But that's a good point.   The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and
his is working fine."

**********
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list
in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter 'P' to
bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

*********
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

**********
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax
the document back to the sender when I was finished with
it, because he needed to keep it.

**********
Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet
onto this disk for me?"

**********
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet,
right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the
Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

**********
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's
DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer
call with a  problem I just couldn't solve.  She could
not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine,
which truly baffled me  because the only true colors are
cyan, magenta, and yellow.  For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for
yellow.  I had the customer change ink cartridges. I
had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers.
Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they
offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to
send the printer in to us for repair when she asked
quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper
instead of this yellow paper?"

**********
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the
printer's tech support number, complaining about the
error message:  "Can't find the printer."  On the phone,
the man said he even held the printer up in front of the
screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

**********
And another user was all confused about why the cursor
always moved in the opposite direction from the movement
of the mouse.  She also complained that the buttons were
difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we
asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away
from her.

****************
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to
install them on my home computer."  Training
stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let
the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they
weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly,
ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk."

Intellectual:
Someone who has been educated beyond their intelligence

[Pjdriver]

[Qapla]

2 hours ago, pnutts said:

have no way of reading floppy anymore ( either size )

 

    Either size    

 

 

There were more than 2 sizes of floppy disks. I still have some 8", 5¼" and 3½" disks

[pnutts]

11 hours ago, Qapla said:

There were more than 2 sizes of floppy disks. I still have some 8", 5¼" and 3½" disks

I'm , but not that . Other than my ADAM computer - which used cassettes, my sister's first computer used 5¼" - 2 of them - no HDD, my first computer - a 486 DX 100 had a 3½" plus 800 Mb HDD. Worked on many computers that had 3½" & 5¼" floppies with boat anchor HDD's of 10 to 20 Mb.

Even showed someone how to take a 5¼" and convert it to a 3½" when it was not yet known how to do it in the near north area of Parry Sound. Twas a trial by error, error method.

Twas DOS & Win 3.1 daze.

Edited November 19, 2017 by pnutts

[gayathri]

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AxhKXiBrTk77C9T2XgySaqe92mEwNiBP/view?usp=drivesdk

Sent from my SM-C900F using Tapatalk

[digital_dreamer]

In my day, well, when I was in my 20s, we didn’t have hard drives. Cassette recorders were how we saved our programs in school. All running on a 1Mhz Z80 based CPU with 4K RAM and 128*48 resolution graphics on monochrome display, as in the case of the TRS-80. Or 6502 based CPU with 280*192*4 color display for Apple II.

 

I remember some 8” floppy disks that we used on our CompuGraphic photo-typesetters at the printing company we worked at. They weren’t actually computers. Just huge and heavy digital devices with a keyboard and 16-character display. You typed the stories on them and it transferred that text as columns to positive film (not negative film). That column of text was cut to size and pasted with wax in the 6-column newspaper. The typesetters sort of worked like a daisy-wheel printer where light shining through the font wheel at the precise moment would expose that character to film. Stepper motors and encoders. Cool stuff.

But, that all got replaced in a few years by Apple Macintosh SE computers (5” screens!) with QuarkXPress page-layout software outputting to a Apple LaserWriter. And, there was the birth of desktop publishing.

 

Sorry! No jokes! 

[Qapla]

While many think that IBM created the "PC", that is not the case. IBM entered the PC market in 1981. Small computers for home use (PC) was already in use during the 1970's.

 

In the late 1960's my first foray into computer programing was using the IBM 360 running FORTRAN IV (WATFOR). The programming was done using "punch cards" and you had to schedule run time on the mainframe to see if the program worked. If it gave an error code, you had to go back through the printed program and find the error, re-punch the cards and resubmit the program.

 

Tandy/Radio Shack started selling the TRS-80 Home Computer in 1977 (well ahead of IBM) that had 4K of RAM and used a cassette tape player to load programs. (if you listened to the tape - the program sounded like a bunch of angry bees in a quart jar) This was my transition into using BASIC computer language.

 

in 1979 Radio Shack released the Model II. This computer was not an upgrade/replacement for the Model I. The Model II was aimed at business. The Model II had 64K RAM, a "free/detached" keyboard and an 8" floppy drive (you could add up to 3 more 8" floppy drives with an add-on drive cabinet).

 

Because BASIC was common for writing programs in those days, it was simple to access the code and "doctor" it. (The code was usually not protected or encrypted) I used to re-write the software for an insurance agent because he was unhappy with what he bought and the writer kept telling him that you couldn't do what he wanted done with 64K - you could, if you thought outside the box.

 

In 1978, Radio Shack released the 5 ¼" floppy drive for the Model I. The Model I was superceded by the Model III.

 

By 1982 the computer industry was moving forward from the 5¼" floppy to the "new" 3½" floppy. By the end of the 1980's, the 3½" floppy had, essentially, replaced the 5¼" floppy.

 

I guess if there is a joke to be had here - it is on Tandy/Radio Shack - their own stubbornness was their downfall.

 

Until 1982, Radio Shack was the #1 selling "PC". However, since they insisted on remaining "proprietary" with their interfaces instead of "universal", as other makers were doing, they quickly lost ground and IBM became the new industry leader.

 

 

Edited November 20, 2017 by Qapla

[Friends just call me Ross]

1 hour ago, Qapla said:

While many think that IBM created the "PC", that is not the case. IBM entered the PC market in 1981. Small computers for home use (PC) was already in use during the 1970's.

 

In the late 1960's my first foray into computer programing was using the IBM 360 running FORTRAN IV (WATFOR). The programming was done using "punch cards" and you had to schedule run time on the mainframe to see if the program worked. If it gave an error code, you had to go back through the printed program and find the error, re-punch the cards and resubmit the program.

 

Tandy/Radio Shack started selling the TRS-80 Home Computer in 1977 (well ahead of IBM) that had 4K of RAM and used a cassette tape player to load programs. (if you listened to the tape - the program sounded like a bunch of angry bees in a quart jar) This was my transition into using BASIC computer language.

 

in 1979 Radio Shack released the Model II. This computer was not an upgrade/replacement for the Model I. The Model II was aimed at business. The Model II had 64K RAM, a "free/detached" keyboard and an 8" floppy drive (you could add up to 3 more 8" floppy drives with an add-on drive cabinet).

 

Because BASIC was common for writing programs in those days, it was simple to access the code and "doctor" it. (The code was usually not protected or encrypted) I used to re-write the software for an insurance agent because he was unhappy with what he bought and the writer kept telling him that you couldn't do what he wanted done with 64K - you could, if you thought outside the box.

 

In 1978, Radio Shack released the 5 ¼" floppy drive for the Model I. The Model I was superceded by the Model III.

 

By 1982 the computer industry was moving forward from the 5¼" floppy to the "new" 3½" floppy. By the end of the 1980's, the 3½" floppy had, essentially, replaced the 5¼" floppy.

 

I guess if there is a joke to be had here - it is on Tandy/Radio Shack - their own stubbornness was their downfall.

 

Until 1982, Radio Shack was the #1 selling "PC". However, since they insisted on remaining "proprietary" with their interfaces instead of "universal", as other makers were doing, they quickly lost ground and IBM became the new industry leader.

 

 

 

 

I'm still waiting for the punchline.

[digital_dreamer]

6 minutes ago, Friends just call me Ross said:

 

I'm still waiting for the punchline.

He ran out of punch cards, so you’re not getting one. 

[Qapla]

The punch line is the smack in the face to radio shack

[digital_dreamer]

Never programmed in FORTRAN, but did start with BASIC. Got tired of dealing with its slowness and learned Z-80 Assembly/Machine Code. Memorized the instruction set. Rewrote the cassette tape driver for faster program writing and loading. Managed to improve the data rate to and from the cassette by 10 times - from 300 baud to 3k baud. Performance was limited by the quality of the tape and the amplifier bandwidth. Newer cassette recorders performed worst, as they included some high-frequency filters in the amp section. All of this actually required using an oscilloscope when testing the code, as the timing wasn’t as predictable as counting the clock cycles of each instruction.

 

Started patching MS Word (yes, it existed back then) and adding features by disassembling the 12k worth of code. Hundreds of pages of Z-80 assembly mnemonics to wade through. Look for keyboard routine to add the custom key commands; look for printer routine to modify output, etc. Never really finished it to take it to market.

 

Started regular pioneering, instead. 

[Qapla]

OK - I tried to edit my last post but time and work intervened and I could get to it in time .....

 

With that said, my edit was going to be:

 

 

And now - back to the regularly posted jokes .....