A good joke

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

Please tell us, where she bought or acquired the scratch. When I find out, I can scratch that one off my list.

Oh dear... #7.

At first I thought I would like a cake made from scratch, but not any more.

As the where to buy it, go to the poultry feed store.

Just Older

[Gary910]

@pnutts is this where your wife bought the "scratch" for that Chocolate Cake?

 

Is it just that simple? Poultry feed?

 

Okay, @TonyWenz make a cake from Poultry feed, tell me if it is the best cake you ever had, and I will make my casserole from "scratch" (Poultry Feed).

[daydream]

 

The German word Wurst actually refers to both cold cuts (Aufschnitt) and sausages.

[pnutts]

Like the wurst liver ever?

[dilip kumar]

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.


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[dilip kumar]

* To relax ..... *

A long time baptized publisher worked with a child.
 
When they arrived at a house the little one wanted to speak, and the publisher allowed, of course.

He gave his presentation about the name of God (something for the child, right?)

At the time of quoting the scripture, the child was looking for a while.

The long time publisher was a little distressed and whispered to the child: Psalm 83:18 ....

but the child continued to search and sesrch and again the publisher said closer to the child's ear: Psalm 83:18 ...

but the little one continued seeking and finally found and read to the householder Amos 5: 8.

The householder (and of course, the publisher,) was astonished !!!!

On leaving the house the publisher asked him why he did not use Psalm 83:18, which the little one answered:

Psalm 83:18 is for beginners !!!!

Now you are curious to read Amos 5: 8. Are you a beginner?

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[dilip kumar]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had avery embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on. "So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight. "He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse. When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blind fold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise! "



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[dilip kumar]

River Jordan

Akpos and his wife went to Israel and decided to pick a boat to see the beauty of river Jordan. When Akpos asked the boatman how much it will cost them, he said $500. Akpos shouted, "No wonder Jesus decided to walk on the sea."



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[dilip kumar]

Example Of Pronouns

TEACHER: Today you'll give an example of a pronoun each and form a sentence with it.
JOHN: HER
TEACHER: Ok, your sentence?
JOHN: Give her her book. It's hers.
TEACHER: That's good. Yes who's next?
AKPOS: HIM
TEACHER: Your Sentence?
AKPOS: Give him him book. It's hims.


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[Tortuga]

It was a young brothers first day at Bethel and during lunch he heard someone yell out “Daniel 2:44” and everyone cheered.
A few minutes later someone yelled out “John 3:16” and everyone sighed with appreciation.
The young brother asked the brother next to him what was going on and the brother explained that everyone has studied and discussed the bible so deeply that they don’t need to discuss a scriptural point, they just yell out the scripture.
The young brother wanted to try it so he yells out a scripture and there was silence, no one moved, so the young brother asks the brother next to him what was wrong. 
“You misapplied the scripture”
 

[dilip kumar]

Pls explain. 

[Tortuga]

1 hour ago, dilip kumar said:

Pls explain. 

Its a remake of an old joke

 

A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, “twelve!”
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
“Why are you guys just yelling numbers?” He asks his cellmate. “What’s so funny about random numbers?”
“Well,” says the older prisoner, “They’re not random. It’s just that we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.”
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, “SIX!” But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”
“You didn’t tell it right.”

[Old]

1 hour ago, Tortuga said:

Its a remake of an old joke

 

A man is sent to prison for the first time.
The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, “twelve!”
The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
“Why are you guys just yelling numbers?” He asks his cellmate. “What’s so funny about random numbers?”
“Well,” says the older prisoner, “They’re not random. It’s just that we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.”
Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, “SIX!” But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”
“You didn’t tell it right.”

Nothing kills a joke like having to explain it. You get the GONG!

Do I need to explain the GONG?

[Pjdriver]

7 hours ago, dilip kumar said:

Pls explain. 

There no logical explanation. It’s just funny! 

[dilip kumar]

Book the face...

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Love your neighbor.....

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[dilip kumar]

Hi j...k

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[pnutts]

On 7/19/2019 at 2:17 AM, Old said:

You get the GONG

Does that make you a Ding Bat?🏏

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

I should have been a doctor.

Just Older

[Sheep]

Yeah. My doctor writes things like that all the time.

[Friends just call me Ross]

I am overweight but I identify myself as skinny.

I`m trans-slender.

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

This little guy told his Dad that he wanted to learn how to train his dog.

His Dad said there were lots of dog training videos on YouTube...
 

Spoiler

 

[Old]

It was a dark and stormy night. The lifeboat teetered at the crest of a gigantic wave. It raced down the backside of the wave to bury itself in trough. All occupants were bailing furisiously, the swamped boat was rising to the crest of the next wave, even higher than the one they had just survived. A woman stood up and screamed can somebody pray? No one responded. The boat plunged down the steep slope of the following trough again filling the lifeboat with water. All were bailing furiously, the woman sceamed again "Will somebody pray?" Again no response as they went about bailing for their lives. The lifeboat slugishly began to rise to the next crest. The woman screamed again "If nobody can pray for us will somebody do something religious.!"

An older distinguished looking man stood, grabbing a bucket he took up a collection.

[kejedo]

On 6/26/2019 at 11:21 AM, dilip kumar said:

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.


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Similar experience I heard about: Officer pulls over an auto for speeding: "police officer: Did you know yoU were speeding?

                                                                                                                                 "Wife: I told him he was speeding.He always does when he's drunk.

                                                                                                                                  Officer: I will need to check if you are intoxicated.

                                                                                                                                  Wife to husband: I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.

                                                                                                                                   Officer: I'd like to check your registration and for you to step out of the car.

                                                                                                                                   Voice from trunk: Why are we stopped so long? Are we over the border already?

                                                                                                                                   Officer to husband: Your eyes look glassy. Have been drinking alcohol?

                                                                                                                                   Husband to Officer: YOur eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?

                                                                                                                                    

Edited August 22, 2019 by kejedo

[dilip kumar]

Two students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student:- I will open the window.

External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compartment is 12 m3, the train is travelling at 80 km/hr in a Westerly direction and the speed of the wind is 5 m/s from the South, then how much time will it take for the compartment to get cold?

The student can't answer, so he is marked fail and he comes out. After coming out he tells that question to the second student.

The second student goes in and his viva starts.

External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

2nd Student :- I will remove my coat.

External :- It still is hot, then what?

Student:- I will remove my shirt.

External (angrily) :- If it still is hot, then what will you do?

Student:- I will remove my pant.

External (Fuming) :- And what if you die due to the heat?

Student:- *Even if I die of the heat, I will not open the window!*



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[dilip kumar]

Hilarious ..

Some days ago, I came to know a girl on the Internet. Beautiful...

After some chat, I felt that we had connected at a deeper level.

Yesterday, she asked me to visit her house and said, "My husband is on a business trip, and I'm alone at home."

I was very cautious and asked, "Will your husband suddenly come back?

She said, "No, but just in case he does, you just say that you are from UrbanClap(a android app which provides staff for housework) and that your company sent you to clean the house. And then, clean the glass or something. Anyway, festival is coming.
My husband won't suspect a thing."

Fast forward, I was at her house. And what a big coincidence - Not even minutes in the house, her husband came back!

I had to be quiet and pretend to do the cleaning, wiping windows, cleaning the kitchen and the floor. And also tidy the bedrooms and wash the bathrooms. All the while, her husband and she was next to me giving all kinds of ridiculous instructions.

When I had finished and was about to leave, her husband asked, 'How much?"

Even before I could utter a word, she said, "I have already paid the company."

On the way home, I kept thinking about the whole saga.
The more I thought about it,
the more I felt cheated ...

Cleaners are hard to find, beware of the new scam
.....

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