A good joke

[Pabo]

Sunday school teacher: “What is God’s name?”

Student: “ANDY! ”

Sunday school teacher: ” Why do you think that? ”

Student: ”Because in church we sing  ANDY walks with me, ANDY talks with me….."

[Pabo]

Q/ Who was the most evil man in the Bible?
 

  Hide contents

A/  Moses - He broke all the 10 commandments at once.

 

 

Edited June 19, 2022 by Pabo

[dilip kumar]

Father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: “I feel it is my duty to provide you with the best education possible, and you do not owe me anything for providing that.

However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, I want each of you to put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially.

When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 20 x $50 notes onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 on his father’s chest. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn.

He reached into his jacket pocket, took out his check book, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. He later went on to become a Member of Parliament…

[dilip kumar]

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’

Ray was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’ Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

‘Never,’ said Ray.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard..

“Ray, wake up! You pooped in the bed!”

 

 

[dilip kumar]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. 

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. 

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. 

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother …

“Grandma he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled eyes and said,

“Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen,  and ye were born in August, you idiot!”

[dilip kumar]

When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself.  Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”  “Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

[Keep Fighting]

A passenger gently touches the shoulder of the taxi driver. The driver pees in his trousers, drives almost down the road, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

- WOW, you're very nervous about yourself. I just gently touched your shoulder?
- Sorry, says the driver, this is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for 20 years.

[dilip kumar]

😅 😀
While cutting hair, the Barber asked the Minister :-

*"Sir, What is this Swiss Bank issue ?”*

Minister shouted, 
*“Are you cutting my hair or conducting an inquiry ?”*

Barber said: 
*Sorry Sir, I just asked.*

 

Next day, while cutting the hair, he asked the Senior Minister:

*“Sir, what is this Black money issue ?’’*

Minister shouted-
*‘’Why did you ask me this question ?’’*

Barber said: 
*‘’Sorry Sir, I just simply asked you’’*

 

Next day, *the CBI interrogated the Barber*

CBI Officer - 
*‘’Are you an agent of Pakistan ?’’*

Barber: *No Sir.*

CBI: *Are you an Agent of any opposition party ?*

Barber: *No Sir.*

CBI: *Are you anti-National ?*

Barber:  *For God's sake, No Sir. I am just an innocent and a simple Barber.*
                                             
CBI  : *Then, while cutting the hair, why did you ask these VIP's about Swiss Bank & Black money issues ?*

Barber:
*Sir, I do not know why, but whenever I ask them about Swiss Bank or Black money, their hairs stand up straight; & that helps me to cut the hair easily. That’s why I keep asking.*

[Wayne]

Before the joke - In Alabama, we call a certain cola a RC. And we call a certain chocolatey graham cracker muffin with marshmallow in the center a "moonpie". Ok Here's the joke:

 

     "RC and a Moonpie"

 

Alabama man walks into a place and says, I'll have an RC and a moon pie. The Guy says 'you "must be"  from Alabama". 
Man says I resent that allegation, I resent the allegator - just because I come in here order an RC and a moon pie, I get this stereotypical thing and you thinkin that I'm from Alabama. 

That's ridiculous. Let me ask you this, if a guy walked in here and ordered vodka. Would you think he's from Russia.  The guys says,, Well,, that just never come up. And Let me ask you another question. If a man walked in here and ordered linguine, would you think Italian from Italy?  And le me ask you this - if a man walks and orders sausage, would you think he's Polish? So the guy says, that just never happened. 

So , you think,, because I come in and order a RC and a moon pie WHY in the WORLD would you think I'm from Alabama. Guy says,  because this is a hardware store.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wayne]

Below is a riddle. Believe I heard it here. Has always bothered me and could never think of the right answer. First I thought it was Jesus but no can't be. Now I'm thinking it must be Mary? Here's the riddle. Can you help me with the answer?

 

 

As a future king, he was subject to me.  

Now that I am king, I am subject to him.

Who am I? 

 

[Pabo]

1 hour ago, Wayne said:

Before the joke - In Alabama, we call a certain cola a RC. And we call a certain chocolatey graham cracker muffin with marshmallow in the center a "moonpie". Ok Here's the joke:

 

     "RC and a Moonpie"

 

Alabama man walks into a place and says, I'll have an RC and a moon pie. The Guy says 'you "must be"  from Alabama". 
Man says I resent that allegation, I resent the allegator - just because I come in here order an RC and a moon pie, I get this stereotypical thing and you thinkin that I'm from Alabama. 

That's ridiculous. Let me ask you this, if a guy walked in here and ordered vodka. Would you think he's from Russia.  The guys says,, Well,, that just never come up. And Let me ask you another question. If a man walked in here and ordered linguine, would you think Italian from Italy?  And le me ask you this - if a man walks and orders sausage, would you think he's Polish? So the guy says, that just never happened. 

So , you think,, because I come in and order a RC and a moon pie WHY in the WORLD would you think I'm from Alabama. Guy says,  because this is a hardware store.

 

We have a similar joke ripping off our Kiwi cousins across the ditch, but due to their accent, but it goes like this.

 

A New Zealander goes into a fish & chip shop and says to the store owner "E would luke sum fush & chups".

The store owner says, "Ah you must be a New Zealander".

"Huw dud you know that 'e am a New Zealander?"

The store owner replies: "Your accent gives you away, mate".

The New Zealander is very much annoyed that he was recognised that his accent gave him away and for the next 6 months he practiced saying over and over again, "I would like some fish and chips' without having any New Zealander accent.

The day came where the New Zealander was confident enough walks into that same store and says to the store keeper, "I would like some fish and chips".

The store keeper laughs so hard and says, "Ah, your a New Zealander!"

The New Zealander looks at him and says, "How un earth dud you know that bro?"

The store owner says, "The fish and chips shop closed 3 months ago. We now are a bottle shop. Would you like a sixpack of beer instead?".

 

 

 

Aussies would know how a New Zealander would pronounce a sixpack.

[Wayne]

9 hours ago, Pabo said:

9 hours ago, Pabo said:

 

"Huw dud you know that 'e am a New Zealander?"

The store owner replies: "Your accent gives you away, mate".

 

Real great hi thanks ~😘

 

[Friends just call me Ross]

Q:  Do you know how long cows are supposed to be milked?

A: Same as short ones.

 

🙃

[Qapla]

What did the toy dog eat for supper?

 

Spoiler

Nothing - he was already stuffed

 

 

[dilip kumar]

During my school days, I came home with the marksheet showing 90 marks scored by me in an examination... Hoping to get compliments from my Dad...

However, once my Dad took a glance of it, he said I added 0 on Mark Sheet to make it 90 and whacked me... I told him honestly that I didnt add 0 but he wouldn't believe me, i felt so depressed that my Dad didnt believe me.... Till date i don't know why my Dad kept saying that I added 0.... 🤔🤔

 

 

Actually I added the 9...

[Tortuga]

[Old]

 

[Lewis]

Who was the most business savvy women in the Bible?

 

Spoiler

It was Pharaoh's daughter, she went down to the bank of the Nile and pulled out a little prophet.

 

[bagwell1987]

A buddy of mine asked his friend to spell orange. His friend said ok but which one? The color or the fruit?😲😂😂😂😂

[Sheep]

Did you hear about the guy with two girlfriends? Their names were Edith and Kate. Well, a friend of his warned him, "You can't date two women! It's morally wrong! You need to make up your mind which one you like best and go with just her." But this guy is insistent that he likes both of them equally. Again his friend warns him, "No, you can't do it that way. At some time or another, one of them is going to find out about the other and you'll be in deep trouble from them both! You can't have your Kate and Edith too!"

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

[Qapla]

6 hours ago, Sheep said:

You can't have your Kate and Edith too!

 

 

[dilip kumar]

Die at a good road...

[Pabo]

There was an simple guy sitting next to Einstein and Einstein says, "You know, it's a long flight. Why don't we have a competition. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you can ask me a question and if I can;t answer it" said Einstein, "I'll pay you $500."

 

The simple guy thought that this was a great deal. "If I can't answer it '5' if he can't answer it "500'." So he told Einstein "Alright! You go first."

 

So Einstein said, "How far is the moon from the Earth?" The simple person thought and thought, he said, "You know what, I really don't have the exact answer, here's $5."

 

Then he looked at Einstein and said, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

 

And Einstein worked through all of his knowledge of science. He couldn't figure out what he was talking about. Put his hand in his pocket and gave him $500.

 

Einstein's turn again. Einstein said, "Before I ask you my next question, what does go up the hill on three legs and comes down with four?"

 

And the simple man put his hand into his pocket and gave him $5.

 

[Tortuga]

Teacher to classroom of students:

"Everyone has to do their homework assignment again, my dog ate your homework"