A good joke

[pnutts]

I had MS word on floppies.. I trade some work for a 486 DX 100 computer ( Pentium 60's had just come out - but had a Major integer fault - cost an accountant his job  )

[dilip kumar]

All you people have been talking too much about computers.

Imagine about those who come to this thread to lighten up.

Their brains will go out of the ten windows they have in their house.

Then they will ram their vehicles here and there.

They will tare their Screens.

So as to cool their cpu,
I am dedicating the next one especially to those who had Burned their miscellaneous
Files. ....

Pls wait


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[dilip kumar]

This is it :

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

And Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes...

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[dilip kumar]

"SIXTH SENSE "

Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was correct each time.

Once manager wanted to trick him, He went to the kitchen and told his wife
Maria "Rub this spoon on ur lips". She rubs it on her lips and gives it to her hubby...

Blind man smelt & said,
"Oh ! My God......!!
My old lover Maria also works here!!

Manager fainted !!!



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[Sheep]

20 hours ago, dilip kumar said:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

I didn't think I spoke German but I could actually understand that...!

[dilip kumar]

*How to TALK *

Talk to *Mother* _lovingly,_
Talk 2 *Father* _respectfully,_
Talk 2 *Brothers* _heartfully,_
Talk 2 *Sisters* _affectionately,_
Talk 2 *Children* _enthusiastically,_
Talk 2 *Relatives* _empathetically,_
Talk 2 *Friends* _jovially,_
Talk 2 *Officials* _politely,_
Talk 2 *Vendors* _strictly,_
Talk 2 *Customers* _honestly,_
Talk 2 *Workers* _courteously,_
Talk 2 *Politicians* _carefully,_
Talk 2 *GOD* _silently,_

Talk to *WIFE*
~no no~ ......
*KEEP QUIET & LISTEN ONLY...!!!*


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[Qapla]

There was a College football (American) player that failed his English exam so his Professor had to mark him not-eligible to play football due to his grade.

 

It was the week of the "big game", so, the coach called the professor in to talk with him. He pleaded with the professor. He explained that this player was one of the best guys on the team. They needed him to win. He had memorized the entire playbook! Give him another chance and - don't make the test so hard .....

 

The professor agreed.

 

They had the student report and the professor said he would make it real easy - the exam would only be one hour instead of three and, he would only ask the player ONE question.

 

The player sat at the desk with a single sheet of paper. The professor explained that he had one hour to answer this one question - he told the player to spell coffee

 

After sitting there for nearly the whole hour with various looks of confusion and despair on his face the player finally scribbled his answer and handed the paper to the professor.

 

The professor looked at the answer and then at the coach - he exclaimed, as he thrust the exam paper at the coach - See! See why I can't give him a passing grade!?!

 

The coach looked at the paper - written on it in very neat, printed letters was one word

 

K A U P H Y

 

Confused, the coach looked at the professor and exclaimed, "Big deal, so what if he left out the "I!"

[dilip kumar]

Had a hearty laugh.

Ty brother. 

[esctec]

A traveling overseer (with his wife) came to stay with a brother ... after dinner, they were chatting quietly, then they went to sleep.
The brother realized that the couple could not sleep. He heard a lot of noise,
The brother came to the door, He knocked on the door, he asked very politely: Are you okay? The traveling overseer reacts with Isaiah 28:20, the Brother did not understand anything !!!!
Do you want to understand? Grab your Bible and read Isaiah 28:20.

[esctec]

2 elders wanted to do a shepherding call
So they went and ring the doorbell of the person the wanted to visit  no answer,

but vaguely thru the window they saw someone moving..

well the sayd to each other maybe the bel isn't working, so then the knocked and knocked again.

still nothing except of the curtain moving.

thy knocked again but nobody opened the door, what could they do?

They decided to leave a note and wrote on the note revelation 3:20, dropped it  the mailbox.

And so they went home a little confused of what they had seen and why they did not meet anybody.

The next morning one of the elders found a note in his mail box explaining the reason of not opening the door
on the note was written:

 

 

Genesis 3:10

[dilip kumar]

Laugh wan kill me oooooo
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

A psychiatrist wanted to know how many of his
patients have been cured of madness, so he
assembled them in a classroom and drew a big car on the board.

He then told the class that if anyone could push the car on the board, that person would receive a gift of N20,000 and would be free to go home.

On hearing this, they all rushed to the board to
push the car except one young Man Benjamin who remained on his seat.

He sat at the back smiling. The psychiatrist with joy and excitement on his face seeing that somebody has been cured of madness went to him and asked, "You, why didn’t you join your mates to push the car"?

He replied "don't mind those mad people, they are just fooling themselves . . . Hahaha, they don't know that the car key is in my pocket.


🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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[dilip kumar]

The underwear making company, Jockey was having a tough time with stock theft.On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK. All security measures you can think of were put in place, Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

All workers, including management were checked on departure, each wearing just one underwear and no one was caught with more than one pair.


Then....
One day, the security was advised to check all workers on their arrival.. and the case was resolved!
🤣 🤣

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[Tortuga]

4 hours ago, dilip kumar said:

Then....
One day, the security was advised to check all workers on their arrival.. and the case was resolved!

 

The company was attacked by commandos 

[dilip kumar]

I don't know much about birds but I can easily identify the husband in this picture

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[Pjdriver]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

 

 

 

It doesn’t matter................he’s not going to come. 

[Tortuga]

4 minutes ago, Pjdriver said:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

 

 

 

It doesn’t matter................he’s not going to come. 

You can name him anyway...

If he sleeps on the porch, call him Matt...

[dilip kumar]

You can name him anyway...
If he sleeps on the porch, call him Matt...

He he he


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[Musky]

28 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

You can name him anyway...

If he sleeps on the porch, call him Matt...

If he rolls  into a hole, you can call him Phil 

[Tortuga]

10 minutes ago, Musky said:

If he rolls  into a hole, you can call him Phil 

Take him to the ocean and call him Bob..

[Musky]

3 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

Take him to the ocean and call him Bob..

Put him on the BBQ and call him Frank

[dilip kumar]

Leave him near a she dog.... And go away. Let him spend time happily instead of pushing him in a hole or taking him to the ocean in this cold weather.

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[Pjdriver]

 

                            “The physiatric Hotline”

 

If you are Obsessive compulsive ...................please press 1,  repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependant...............................please ask someone to press 2.

If you have Multiple Personality Disorder...please press 3, 4, and 6

If you are Paranoid Delusional......................we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line until we trace the call.

If you are Schizophrenic................................Listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

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Edited January 10, 2018 by Pjdriver

[Pjdriver]

22 hours ago, Musky said:

Put him on the BBQ and call him Frank

Saw my legs off and call me shorty. 

[Tortuga]

57 minutes ago, Pjdriver said:

Saw my legs off and call me shorty. 

Shure thing half pint...

[Pjdriver]

 

 

There’s 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

 

Friends help you move...real friends help you move bodies.

 

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

 

 Honk if you’re a nonconformist.

 

Consciousness, that annoying time between naps.

 

Always remember, you’re unique, like everyone else.

 

We have enough youth...how about a “fountain of SMART”.

 

We are born naked, wet and hungry....then things get worse.

 

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

 

If the world were based on logic...MEN would ride side saddle.

 

What’s the difference between ignorance & apathy? I don’t know & I don’t care!

 

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

 

 

 

 

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Edited January 13, 2018 by Pjdriver