Are all brothers shy about talking to women?

[Girl81]

Are all brothers shy about talking to women?  It seems that way before and after meetings.  Males talk with males; females with females.  Couples chat with couples.  I almost never see groups of singles chatting.  

I always found it odd and almost juvenile (no offense) .  I've been in the truth 3 years; I'm used to everyone chatting together. I get approached frequently in the world by males, no sexual intentions, just conversation and friendship.  I've experienced it is rare or altogether not so in JW world. 

 

Edited March 23, 2022 by Michelle81

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

That is a complex question. I hope you find a satisfactory answer...

Some circumstances that could determine an answer may be:
Are they single?
Are you single?
Are they confident in who they are?
Do you display a confidence that might be interpreted by some (not all) - and scare them off?
Some are by nature quiet, so the topic might factor in to the amount they contribute.
It's so complex, especially over zoom where normal body language can put some at more ease, but is lost by screen delays...imho

Old (Downunder) Tone

[jps]

no

[Pink Butterflies]

I think it could be the feel of your hall but it also could be to avoid any unwarranted gossip. 

[Michał]

I can talk about myself. For me its not a matter of gender but how subjectively i consider the other person's approachability.

[Dages]

It's also a matter of common interest I guess ? Age difference also ? Marital status too ?

Tony is right.

 

I did not have any problem with chatting with sisters when I was single... but there was one sister who really interested me and turned me into a sweating ball of cringe when I was in her vicinity. 

[Tortuga]

[coolbrz731]

In my experience, culture can have an effect on how brothers deal with sisters.  In California, it's like you said.  But that's because my area was full of a bunch of flirts and "playas".  So if a single brother was talking to a single sister for too long, people started noticing, and questions started to get asked.  It wasn't worth the trouble for many of us.

 

But when I moved to Washington State, it seemed to be the opposite.  My closest friend was a girl.  We were almost joined at the hip, and no one said anything.  They even gave us some privacy when she had to confide in me about something that happened and she wasn't sure if the elders should be involved.  No one batted an eye at our conversation.  Here in a different part of Washington State, guys love their man-toys, and women love things other than man-toys.  So you won't see much of men talking to women in this congregation.  With the exception of my wife.  She's someone who could spend all day in Home Depot also.

[Dustparticle]

7 hours ago, Michelle81 said:

Are all brothers shy about talking to women?  It seems that way before and after meetings.  Males talk with males; females with females.  Couples chat with couples.  I almost never see groups of singles chatting.  

I always found it odd and almost juvenile (no offense) .  I've been in the truth 3 years; I'm used to everyone chatting together. I get approached frequently in the world by males, no sexual intentions, just conversation and friendship.  I've experienced it is rare or altogether not so in JW world. 

 

Believe sis. I'm not shy talking to anyone.

[Thesauron]

No.

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

No.

Perfect short answer. We should have listed this as the first answer. Then we could have expanded on it.
si-box page 66-70

Old (Downunder) Tone

[Ishaya]

Its not shyness really,its being reserved and well composed,which is a sign of responsibleness.

almost generally JW men are like this.

I'm sure our women prefer it this way too.

You will agree its proper to exercise  caution in how we relate with the opposite sex so that the females are properly respected and Jehovah is honoured.

[Hope]

On 3/23/2022 at 1:35 AM, Michelle81 said:

Are all brothers shy about talking to women?  It seems that way before and after meetings.  Males talk with males; females with females.  Couples chat with couples.  I almost never see groups of singles chatting.  

I always found it odd and almost juvenile (no offense) .  I've been in the truth 3 years; I'm used to everyone chatting together. I get approached frequently in the world by males, no sexual intentions, just conversation and friendship.  I've experienced it is rare or altogether not so in JW world. 

 

Yes. 😊

[Saffron]

On 3/23/2022 at 6:12 AM, Pink Butterflies said:

think it could be the feel of your hall but it also could be to avoid any unwarranted gossip. 

In my hall this is what it would be. This is a really small town with nothing to do except worry about except who is talking to who so it's not worth trying to have a conversation.

 

We once had a good looking single brother in there. One day in particular he and I stepped off to the side to finish a perfectly innocent conversation. Oh the neck snapping going on that day.  Anyone remember an old show called 227? My congregation is full of Pearls. 🤣🤣

[Girl81]

JMO...

1. Humans are going to gossip no matter what.  Who cares?

2. Of all the groups of people that are instructed to NOT gossip, I've never met a group more so than JW.  I feel like we are continuously encouraged to not gossip, therefore this should be less of an issue among us. 

3. We're all adults.  I see nothing inappropriate or gossip worthy about 2 adults conversing.  I find it sadly immature that any brother would be discouraged in any way from talking to another adult female because of their fear of being looked down on by others in the congregation.  I find that thought unloving and unnatural. 

[Amygdala]

Good points. But over Zoom how is the interaction after the meetings? I find that in a breakout room no one is excluded. Then when only small numbers are left and the remaining bro/sis hang out in the main room, brothers and sisters converse within it. 
 

At the KH in person it’s hard to gauge. I often had a goal to speak to a specific person or persons regarding service plans or experiences, making kids appointments, or seeing how someone was doing, so I didn’t have so much time afterwards to speak to different ones. I generally had time to speak to 2-3 friends before the hall was empty. If it was our FSG group’s turn for speaker hospitality, then it wasn’t so rushed afterwards to sit with others and speak to the visiting speaker while enjoying snacks. I guess it all depends. How comfortable are you going up to someone, if you want to specifically talk with a brother? Or if you are in a small group with brothers, you might just have to speak up with everyone. 
 

When I was new in the truth, an elder talked to me at the KH and that had a really positive impression on me. But I was 12, so no one would think anything of it. A few times when I talked to someone at the literature counter that would lead to sometimes more than just brief hello’s. Maybe go up to the literature servant as if no one is asking for literature I‘m sure the brother would appreciate some form of company. But interesting observation.  

[Amygdala]

OTOH, there are not many, but maybe a brother or two who might be scared to talk directly to a sister, maybe not so much about how you would react but them…chalk it up to imperfection. So they might avoid even speaking directly to a sister other than through her husband. So you just have to not worry about that as it could be a huge obstacle on their side.

[Hope]

7 hours ago, Woanders said:

OTOH, there are not many, but maybe a brother or two who might be scared to talk directly to a sister, maybe not so much about how you would react but them…chalk it up to imperfection. So they might avoid even speaking directly to a sister other than through her husband. So you just have to not worry about that as it could be a huge obstacle on their side.

"Through her husband"... that seems archaic and sexist 😔  And ridiculous if she doesn't have a husband. People are weird..

[Saffron]

8 hours ago, Michelle81 said:

. Humans are going to gossip no matter what.  Who cares?

2. Of all the groups of people that are instructed to NOT gossip, I've never met a group more so than JW.  I feel like we are continuously encouraged to not gossip, therefore this should be less of an issue among us. 

3. We're all adults.  I see nothing inappropriate or gossip worthy about 2 adults conversing.  I find it sadly immature that any brother would be discouraged in any way from talking to another adult female because of their fear of being looked down on by others in the congregation.  I find that thought unloving and unnatural. 

1. True. It's possible that I may care and try to avoid more than some others because I know myself. I'm a mind your business type of person, so when people get in mine I get really annoyed. I don't want to look at my spiritual fam that way, so I find it's easier to avoid certain things than to try to control my feelings (and mouth) later. 

2. True! We are not supposed to, but there is something within people right now that just really makes them want to do this. 

I remember being in a car group one day hearing so much of other people's business that I tried to change the topic. They answered my question and went straight back into their conversation. People probably don't realize they are doing it. 

3. There honestly is nothing wrong with two adults conversing. It's great! It's weird how it varies between congregations and areas. In mine, there is nothing to do but to worry about who is talking to who. Even worrying about if someone went on a date who chaperoned. 😅 What's funny is when I visit the Spanish congregation right in this area, people greet with a kiss, everyone talks, no one cares. 

 

What can we do? Try to tolerate the imperfections of others, I suppose. And for me, switch to Spanish. 😂

[carlos]

On 3/23/2022 at 9:35 AM, Michelle81 said:

Are all brothers shy about talking to women?

Michelle, I think that's a cultural thing. I have heard other sisters here mention that in some areas of the US brothers rarely approach sisters or speak to them. Maybe it's a vestige of American puritan past. Here in Spain it's perfectly common for brothers to engage in a discussion with a sister at the kingdom hall or wherever, indifferently of the marital status of them both. It's also common for a brother to go in service with a sister. Of course, some brothers are more shy than others but there is no cultural rule against it. Personally, I speak with everyone, and do not hesitate to call sisters to congratulate them for a talk or simply to ask how they are doing.

 

A few days ago discussing a situation with the moderators, one of them told me in the US it's unthinkable for a brothers and a sister to go together to a Bible study. The idea that a non-related brother and sister go together into someone's house it's an absolute no-no. Yet I have a study and every week a publisher comes with me, sometimes a brother, sometimes a sister. Now it's on Zoom, of course, but before the pandemic it was the same when studies were at private homes. Nobody here would raise a eyebrow.

 

Our cultures are so different that sometimes when I tell these things I wonder if others think I am making them up.

[cme]

No, you are not making this up.  Here in the US the brothers in the American or English speaking congregation are like that.  It must be cultural.  The first time I walked into an english speaking hall I probably was about 28.  I had my little daughter with me.

 

I swear, every sister hung on to their husbands.  I was culture shocked.  I was rarely invited to parties or gatherings so, I found myself alone.  I did make a friend with an italian sister that was 10 years older then me.  She was so sweet.  I lost her to cancer before the pandemic broke out.

 

I could not talk to a brother not even to elders.  The congregation was english, italian, german and irish!  I was the only latin.  Oooohhhh fieston!  I had alot of suiters but, none that I would be interested in.  These brothers looked at the physical and not the inside person of who I really was.

 

Eventually, years later I met my husband (he's english) but the love he had then and has now for Jehovah attracted me to this spiritual man.  I made the right choice.  He's my best friend and husband.  It took him some doing to get used to his latin wife but, he loves the ride.  I'm all over the place.

 

[Californiamama]

Sister,

I think many brothers (and sisters) assume that a single sister is looking for a husband.  With that in mind, brothers can be cautious so as not to give the wrong impression.  clearly that is an issue since articles have emphasized respecting someones life choice to remain single or childless.  The more open you are with who you are, the more open they may become.  You may also have a very strong personality that intimidates some people.  Perhaps practicing matching yourself to the person you speak with would be a fun little exercise with surprising results.  Beginning with various sisters and a variety of personalities.

 

I'm blessed to be in a congregation where we tease each other a lot and our friendships have no age barriers.  My buddy Michael is 13 and has the best dad jokes.  Even though we feel like family our brothers are exceptionally careful not to be alone with another sister, single or married.  Even if those two people are completely innocent we don't know how it may affect an observer's spirituality and that matters.  After reading some of these comments I'm learning this is partly cultural.  That shouldn't surprise me, but it has.  

 

 

[Tortuga]

21 minutes ago, Californiamama said:

With that in mind, brothers can be cautious so as not to give the wrong impression

Hmmm....does that mean I should stop texting you?

 

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

Michelle, I think that's a cultural thing...
A few days ago discussing a situation with the moderators, one of them told me in the US it's unthinkable for a brothers and a sister to go together to a Bible study. The idea that a non-related brother and sister go together into someone's house it's an absolute no-no...

This might be why the S-38 instructions for the assignments says the following:
"The assistant should be of the same sex or should be a family member."
(paragraph 8)
Downunder this is the pattern for field service as well.

Old (Downunder) Tone

[cme]

1 hour ago, Californiamama said:

Sister,

I think many brothers (and sisters) assume that a single sister is looking for a husband.  With that in mind, brothers can be cautious so as not to give the wrong impression.  clearly that is an issue since articles have emphasized respecting someones life choice to remain single or childless.  The more open you are with who you are, the more open they may become.  You may also have a very strong personality that intimidates some people.  Perhaps practicing matching yourself to the person you speak with would be a fun little exercise with surprising results.  Beginning with various sisters and a variety of personalities.

 

I'm blessed to be in a congregation where we tease each other a lot and our friendships have no age barriers.  My buddy Michael is 13 and has the best dad jokes.  Even though we feel like family our brothers are exceptionally careful not to be alone with another sister, single or married.  Even if those two people are completely innocent we don't know how it may affect an observer's spirituality and that matters.  After reading some of these comments I'm learning this is partly cultural.  That shouldn't surprise me, but it has.  

 

 

Actually, I was very shy and guarded.  Some thought I was stuck up.  Even my husband thought I was stuck up but, once he got to know me he realized I was guarded and didn't trust so easily.  He found me to be very well rounded spiritually.  So our conversations were strictly spiritual.   Living in the city and falling into the wrong hands was devastating and traumatizing.

 

However, that is neither here nor there.  The culture difference is real.  Looking forward to the NW where all this will be a thing of the past.

And, no I was not looking for a husband.  I was in that congregation for 20 years without dating until I met my husband.