A good joke

[Tortuga]

20 hours ago, dilip kumar said:

That was an all fruit diet....just another reason to eat meat...

[dilip kumar]

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

[dove]

REAL LIFE FACEBOOK

 

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

 

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I had done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

 

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

 

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

 

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:

 

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

[tiredbrickie]

A very zealous young minister came upon a Tennessee  farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's future  the minister asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Without even looking up, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You misunderstand," said the minister. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin'  for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined minister tried again asking the farmer, "What I mean is, are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the Kingdom?" the minister  asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had found interest,  the young preacher replied, "No one knows, it could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

[tiredbrickie]

After a disastrous year, I decided to go  over my investments with a financial adviser...

 

The adviser said, "I see you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock and now it's worth $49.  You also bought Enron and your $1,000 is worth $16.50.  Your $1,000 investment in Worldcom has a value of $5."

 

"If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser last year, and I don't mean Budweiser stock, but good ol' Budweiser beer, drank the beer, turned in the bottles for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214 left from the $1,000 investment. Based on your past performance, the best investment advice I can give you is to drink heavily and recycle."         

[dilip kumar]

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

Edited January 14, 2017 by Musky

[Musky]

Run for your life Dilip!

[Qapla]

Dillip,

 

I cannot see any pictures, only links that do not work

 

[dilip kumar]

Are you using Tapatalk or website

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk
 

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

Edited January 14, 2017 by Musky

[Musky]

That is strange. I could see the picture using Tapatalk on my phone, but only a link showed from my laptop. So I edited Dilip's post and attached the jpg.

[tiredbrickie]

Henry's family were country folk of modest means. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to share Henry's room.

When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."        

[tiredbrickie]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the fence of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a barbecue, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should be punished  for something that happened fifty years ago.'

[Friends just call me Ross]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

 

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

 

"Very good," said the teacher.

 

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

 

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm  and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey and a machine gun. So...she drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 50 enemy troops. She used the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she finished the last of 'em with her bare hands." 

 

"Good grief!" exclaimed the horrified teacher.  "What kind of moral could possibly come from that horrible story?"

 

"Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

 

[tiredbrickie]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord please grant me a wish."

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice GOD said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all things, I will grant you one wish."

 

The man said, "I would like there to be a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there any time I want."

 

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

God replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"    

[rocket]

This is just a Primer.

 

 

[Tortuga]

29 minutes ago, rocket said:

This is just a Primer.

 

 

The Cliff Notes...

[Friends just call me Ross]

5 hours ago, tiredbrickie said:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord please grant me a wish."

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice GOD said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all things, I will grant you one wish."

 

The man said, "I would like there to be a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there any time I want."

 

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

God replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"    

[Tortuga]

6 hours ago, tiredbrickie said:

God replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

I'd like to own the gas stations on that bridge....

[tiredbrickie]

4 hours ago, Tortuga said:

I'd like to own the gas stations on that bridge....

Or McDonald's

[pnutts]

I would rather have the gas stations with snacks bar. You can't do without gas but you can live inspite of McDonald's

Edited January 18, 2017 by pnutts

[dilip kumar]

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

[tiredbrickie]

Dear Wife,

    Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, because the truth is, I'd much rather die.
    Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me. She loved me very much, and I could see it in her eyes that she respected my wishes in this sensitive matter.
 

       And then she proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

 

I nearly died!

[tiredbrickie]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, Are Ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses' rear?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' rear."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Friends just call me Ross]

My brother/brother Peter  kept bugging me to write to him.

So I promised I'd send him some big letters.

When he opened the envelope, he found this message printed inside:

Spoiler

 

Which reads:

Spoiler

"See with what large letters I have written you with my own hand." --Galatians 6:11

I thought it was pretty funny...at the time.

Peter?  Not so much.

Now that I think of it...This should a' prob'ly been posted in the bad joke thread.

[walkr2]

Is anyone really confident with how they say WORCESTERSHIRE sauce?