A good joke

[Musky]

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

 

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.

After the holiday's Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

 

[bohemian]

Have you ever noticed the irony in “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

[Gary910]

For any other computer nerds...

 

This Router goes to the doctor... The doctor asks the Router what is wrong.

 

The Router says, "It hurts when IP."

[bohemian]

An old Yorkshireman is lying on his bed dying.

With a weak voice he asks: "Is my wife here?"

"Yes, I'm here," she says.

In a voice getting ever weaker he says: "Are my children here?"

"Yes, Dad, we're all here."

"Are my grandchildren here?"

"Yes, grandad, we're all here."

Finally he sighs and says: "If you are all in here, why is the kitchen light still on?"

[Old]

Dear Diary:

Today begins the day 121of our house arrest. Looking out our window we have seen the season pass from winter to spring, now summer. Would be so wonderful to have our freedom restored. It seemed so unlikey at the time of our sentencing that this ordeal might go on this long. I should have used smaller chalk marks to keep tract of our incarceration, I am running out of wall space.

I fully expect that we will be enjoying our 61st wedding aniverseray under lockup. We deeply miss the touch our brothers and sister. It has been three weeks since our last visiters and even they were not allowed to approach due to the rules of our house arrest. Three weeks and they were only the third group of friends to bring us a touch of human comfort.  The gifts they left at our door were deeply appreciated. (I checked the Honedew melon to see if it contained a symbolic file, did it? I am not free to say.)

We feel blessed that our health holds out under the pressure of confinement. Even medical professionals sre not allowed into our sanctum. I never expected our annual phyical would take place via the telephone. What do we do with the samples? It is very emabarrasing when told to 'cough' over the phone.

Looking out my window I see no sign of the Covid Guard. Still part our personal protection comes heading the counsel of Romans 13:1, so I stand in my open door looking out. It is a beautiful sunny day, the wind is calm, humming birds flit by, the ocean is a wonderful blue, high overhead a Bald Eagle rides the thermal, and I say to myself "How Long o' Jehovah?" 😥

[Tortuga]

An elderly sister had just returned to her home from her meeting when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts; 2:38!"

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven).

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"SCRIPTURE?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38's!"

[bohemian]

An orangutan in London Zoo was sitting with its chin in its hand thinking: “Am I my keeper’s brother?”

 

[pnutts]

6 hours ago, bohemian said:

An orangutan in London Zoo was sitting with its chin in its hand thinking: “Am I my keeper’s brother?”

"Or My  brother's keeper?"

Edited July 27, 2020 by pnutts

[Old]

Up until the LDC got their teeth firmly into job safety, the job of enforcing safety on theocratic projects was a no winner. No one appreciated being reminded of safety procedures. Hard hats were pretty much despised. To lighten our safety meeting, I liked this story, not mine, but from ‘The Reader's Digest.’

"AS safety officer my job of repeatedly ordering construction workers to wear their hard hats was met with, "Yeah, yeah, I know, put on my hard hat!"

One time we were constructing on a large parking structure. One individual, a sprinkler fitter had been reminded time and time again to put on his hard hat.  Keep in mind a sprinkler fitter's tools consist of a folding ruler and a BIG pipe wrench, in this case a three-foot model. Here he was again minus a hard hat.

I took a different approach. I greeted Frank in a friendly manner and went on to my planned comment on safety. “I understand that our hard hats have the highest safety rating in the industry," anticipating he would realize he wasn't wearing one, imagine my surprise when he agreed and demonstrated by tapping his head firmly with his BIG wrench. He went to his knees thoroughly stunned.”

““He got six stitches and I got a reprimand.” 

[bohemian]

I bought a gallon of correction fluid (whiteout).

 

Big mistake.

[bohemian]

A man has just had laser eye surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss how it went.

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”

[bohemian]

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest…

For I have synonymed

[Gary910]

Knock, knock

 

Who's there?

 

Ya

 

Ya Who?

 

No thanks, I prefer Google

[bohemian]

A friend bought me an elephant for the living room. I said thank you - he said don't mention it...

[Gary910]

Q: Why can you never trust stairs?

 

A: Because they are always up to something.

[Chris7]

[Chris7]

[Tortuga]

14 minutes ago, Chris7 said:

It's nice to know that people enjoy this forum. Several of those sayings were developed right here about 2 years ago...

[Pjdriver]

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?                  There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

 

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” 
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

 

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?                 He just needed a little space.
 

 

 

[Gary910]

"But know this, that in the last days, critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be hoarders of toilet paper, lovers of bleach, panic shopping, scared, disobedient to CDC, sneezing and having no face mask, having hand sanitizer and not open to any sharing, slathers of soap without self control, self quarantined without love of good hygiene, wrongful eaters and puffed up with indigestion, lovers of cable TV rather than lovers of God, having an appearance of social distancing but proving false to it's power; and from these turn away at least six feet." -- 2 Timothyish 3:1-5

 

 

 

 

For those not in the United States, in case there is a question, the CDC is the Center for Disease Control, you probably knew that though.

[Tortuga]

16 minutes ago, Gary910 said:

"But know this, that in the last days, critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be hoarders of toilet paper, lovers of bleach, panic shopping, scared, disobedient to CDC, sneezing and having no face mask, having hand sanitizer and not open to any sharing, slathers of soap without self control, self quarantined without love of good hygiene, wrongful eaters and puffed up with indigestion, lovers of cable TV rather than lovers of God, having an appearance of social distancing but proving false to it's power; and from these turn away at least six feet." -- 2 Timothyish 3:1-5

 

 

 

 

For those not in the United States, in case there is a question, the CDC is the Center for Disease Control, you probably knew that though.

Do you know who wrote that? 

[Gary910]

Just now, Mephibosheth said:

Do you know who wrote that? 

You?

[Tortuga]

2 minutes ago, Gary910 said:

You?

Yup. In March. I like playing with scriptures and I decided to modify one to fit the toilet paper shortage. 

[Gary910]

Well, I got sent that from a Brother that I really doubt you know. So it is making the rounds...

 

Has it stayed true to the way you wrote it?

 

I think you should give me a like then, as you wrote it. Unless, you don't like what you wrote.

[Tortuga]

5 minutes ago, Gary910 said:

Well, I got sent that from a Brother that I really doubt you know. So it is making the rounds...

 

Has it stayed true to the way you wrote it?

 

I think you should give me a like then, as you wrote it. Unless, you don't like what you wrote.

It went viral several months ago. I received copies of it from several countries. You have the original version but there was British version of it circulating too. Thanks for posting it.

 

Heard any good jokes lately?