A good joke

[jayrtom]

[jayrtom]

 

On 1/25/2021 at 1:33 AM, Lee49 said:

2 penguins walk into a bar, you would have thought the second one, oh, never mind!

Can you please explain this to me

 

On 2/6/2021 at 5:06 PM, bohemian said:

THE THREE HARDEST THINGS TO SAY

 

1.  I was wrong.

 

2.  I need help

 

3. Worcestershire sauce

           

 

 

On 3/18/2021 at 4:49 AM, Old said:

From aproject managers point of view I that this to be worth a laugh.

 

 

Being a Project Manager myself I can say this is totally true

 

[Loopy]

Not sure where to post this, so I’ll just drop it here.

 

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY 
      In Florida, an atheist created a case against  Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. 

      The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "case dismissed!" 

      The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..." 

      The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." 

      The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." 

      The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ' The fool says in his heart, there is no God. '   Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then He is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned!"

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
 

[dilip kumar]

.

*WELDING & WEDDING:*


An engineer was asked: "What is the Technical Difference between welding and wedding ...."
He replied: "Not much; both are joints, in a way.......In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever; whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever ..."


*Keep smiling*
.

Sent from my SM-A315F using Tapatalk

[Doug]

Blonde to her date:   "Do you have any children"?

 

Gentleman:  "Yes. I have one that's just under two"

 

Blonde:   "I may be blonde, but I know how many one is".

 

 

[bohemian]

I was walking past a pet shop today and saw a cat playing in the window.  A sign above the window said 'Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale'.

I was doubtful about this and whether they were indeed from the Netherlands, so I walked into the shop and asked the assistant...

'How Dutch is that moggie in the window?

 

 

 

A recent study has shown that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Obvious really, because owning Christians isn’t legal.

Edited June 6, 2021 by bohemian

[Sheep]

Since most of us have seen the Friday morning session of the convention, we're all thinking about the Dramatic Bible reading about Noah. So with that in mind I was going to put the following in the convention thread. But I think it might be considered off-topic there. So I'll try here.

 

 

In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.

“I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

[daydream]

Bar Jokes

 

1  So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles        bar."

2  Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

3  A crab walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint please, but if I'm  not satisfied with      it, I'd like to be compensated with ten bottles of  champagne." The bartender says,        "Why the big clause?"

 

4   E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

5   Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other, "It's hot in here." The other              snaps back, "Shut your mouth!"

6    The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

7     A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he        asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you,                    neutron, no charge." 😂

 

 8    Two jumper cables walk into a bar. One of them says "We'd like a couple of beers,          please."
        The bartender says "Okay, but don't start anything."

 

9      Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve                 your type in here."

 

10     Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar 'tender' here?"

 

11      Why did the woman bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks                    were on the house.

 

12      ƒ(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

 

 

13     A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow I've never served a weasel             before, what can I get you?" "Pop", goes the weasel.

 

14    A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short                face?"

 

15    A sandwich walks into a bar. The landlord says, "Sorry sir, we don't serve food                here."

 

16    A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

17    Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have an H2O please"

        The second scientist says, "I'll have an H2O too." The second scientist died. 🤣

 

18    A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, "Have you been served?"

 

19    A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Want to hear a joke?" The corn          stalk replies, "I'm all ears!"

20    A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks for one                   beer, and one for the road.

 

Don't understand these ones

 

1   A bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks in a           bar…

 

2   A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So what will it be this time?" The              penguin doesn't answer because it's a penguin.

 

3    A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, "Hey!" The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."

 

4    A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk not a bar. No joke

Edited July 5, 2021 by happiness IS

[daydream]

Quote

2 penguins walk into a bar, you would have thought the second one, oh, never mind!

@jayrtom   Can you please explain this to me 

 

This bar :   

 

"Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind."  😂

— E. B. White

 

 

 

Edited July 5, 2021 by happiness IS

[Skye]

2 hours ago, happiness IS said:

Can you please explain this to me 

This kind of walking into a bar (the penguins too).

Hahahahaha on the dyslexia one.

 

Edited July 5, 2021 by Skye

[jayrtom]

5 hours ago, happiness IS said:

Bar Jokes

 

1  So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles        bar."

2  Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

3  A crab walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint please, but if I'm  not satisfied with      it, I'd like to be compensated with ten bottles of  champagne." The bartender says,        "Why the big clause?"

 

4   E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

5   Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other, "It's hot in here." The other              snaps back, "Shut your mouth!"

6    The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

7     A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he        asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you,                    neutron, no charge." 😂

 

 8    Two jumper cables walk into a bar. One of them says "We'd like a couple of beers,          please."
        The bartender says "Okay, but don't start anything."

 

9      Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve                 your type in here."

 

10     Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar 'tender' here?"

 

11      Why did the woman bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks                    were on the house.

 

12      ƒ(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

 

 

13     A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow I've never served a weasel             before, what can I get you?" "Pop", goes the weasel.

 

14    A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short                face?"

 

15    A sandwich walks into a bar. The landlord says, "Sorry sir, we don't serve food                here."

 

16    A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

17    Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have an H2O please"

        The second scientist says, "I'll have an H2O too." The second scientist died. 🤣

 

18    A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, "Have you been served?"

 

19    A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Want to hear a joke?" The corn          stalk replies, "I'm all ears!"

20    A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks for one                   beer, and one for the road.

 

Don't understand these ones

 

1   A bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks in a           bar…

 

2   A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So what will it be this time?" The              penguin doesn't answer because it's a penguin.

 

3    A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, "Hey!" The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."

 

4    A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk not a bar. No joke

I didn't understand 1/3 of the jokes but the the 2/3 earned the laugh

 

[daydream]

 

[daydream]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdmOtAdo_Jk

What is a "walks into a bar..." joke? - Jokes Explained Vol 5 (in SLOW EASY ENGLISH)

[Sheep]

@happiness IS! Who writes your material? Those are hilarious!

[dove]

[Old]

"A man is kidding his wife that with all these electronics Big Brother is always listening. Then he laughs...his wife laughs...Siri laughs...."  

[jayrtom]

On 7/10/2021 at 7:48 PM, Old said:

"A man is kidding his wife that with all these electronics Big Brother is always listening. Then he laughs...his wife laughs...Siri laughs...."  

My Alexa assistant never laughs... I'll ask her tonight why is that

 

[rocket]

7 minutes ago, jayrtom said:

My Alexa assistant never laughs... I'll ask her tonight why is that

 

Must have a chip on it's shoulder. 😂

[Tortuga]

On 7/10/2021 at 11:48 AM, Old said:

.Siri laughs

Careful...the Syrians have an army...🤣

[Tortuga]

On 7/10/2021 at 11:48 AM, Old said:

"A man is kidding his wife that with all these electronics Big Brother is always listening. Then he laughs...his wife laughs...Siri laughs...."  

Several years ago a brother was giving a talk and when he said Assyrian, Siri answered him...

[dove]

39 minutes ago, jayrtom said:

My Alexa assistant never laughs... I'll ask her tonight why is that

 

I just asked Alessa why doesn't she ever laugh....she said she didn't know.

 

So then I asked, Alessa, can you laugh? She said, 'sure, I can laugh...tee hee'....

 

 

[dove]

7 hours ago, Dove said:

I just asked Alessa why doesn't she ever laugh....she said she didn't know.

 

So then I asked, Alessa, can you laugh? She said, 'sure, I can laugh...tee hee'....

 

 

Senior moment...should be Alexa. But FYI she does answer to Alessa.....🙃

[bohemian]

[Lee49]

Spoiler

He didn't want to drink and derive

 

[Lee49]

What do you call a golden retriever at the beach in July?

Spoiler

A hot dog !