So You’ve Decided to Invite...

[Thesauron]

So you’ve decided to invite a group of friends for dinner. To what extent do you take into account special dietary requirements? Veganism, vegetarianism, LCHF, ketogenic, intolerance, allergy, etc.?

[Katty]

I think allergies would take top priority, considering it's potentially life threatening to many people, so I would not even cook the item a person would be allergic to, for fear of them coming in contact with it. As for other dietary accommodations. I'd have a lot of vegetables in the dinner, as most diets allow for vegetables. Also, foods like nuts, avocados, extra virgin olive oil, and seeds are all keto and vegan friendly, being a good source of fat, and vegetable based.  Also, I might invite the guests to bring something, since they might bring something that caters to their diet that I might not have considered. Otherwise, idk

Edited March 1, 2019 by Katty

[Thesauron]

If you have planned to make a nice salmon dish, and the one you’ve planned to invite says, “but I don’t like fish?”

[Raven]

It wouldn't be very loving to ignore allergies and intolerances.

[Qapla]

Allergies would most definately have to be taken into consideration - it could mean life or death.

 

As to the other things, I would most likely state in my invitation what I intended to serve ... like inviting them to "a pizza party" or "a BBQ" or a "fish fry" - that way, if they cannot eat or would not like to eat what I planned, it would give them the opportunity to either tell me they don't eat that or simply decline the invitation.

 

Most of the time, if I am inviting "a group of friends" I would already know how/what they eat - since I would have eaten with them at gatherings, after meetings or even eaten at their house.

 

If "friends" is being used in the generic sense, as in "JW's" - and they are not someone I personally know, I would simply ask them if they have any special needs and/or desires.

[cricket246]

Several friends here will send out an invitation with a small menu of what will be served and a small note - If none of this appeals to you, feel free to bring a dish. That way everyone has something to eat and not just one person shoulders the expenses to provide a large array of different dishes.

[Qapla]

10 hours ago, cricket246 said:

Several friends here will send out an invitation with a small menu of what will be served and a small note - If none of this appeals to you, feel free to bring a dish

 

That is a nice way to accommodate various diets.

[Thesauron]

It wouldn't be very loving to ignore allergies and intolerances.

When I spoke to someone who works professionally with etiquette, she responded that, of course you should respect allergies that makes people seriously ill or even threatens to kill them. That’s the number one rule. (She also stressed the importance of respecting people’s religious dietary restrictions.) She felt that vegetarianism or veganism isn’t as important. Of course, if you’re a small group, try to cook something that suits everyone, not separate dishes for different people.

 

What people likes, she felt, is neither here nor there. You should not ask them to bring separate dishes either, it’s plain rude, according to her (unless they have a strict dietary restriction that requires cooking under certain circumstances that you can’t accommodate).

 

She felt it’s the same if you are invited somewhere. If something makes you seriously ill, or threatens to kill you, you should kindly inform the host. If you’re a vegetarian, and the host cooks meat, you eat. If the host cooks something you don’t particularly like, you eat. (She also added that even if the host has cooked something that you feel might need more salt, you never put on salt. You trust the chef to give you good food.)

 

What do you think about these thoughts?

[Jeanie]

3 hours ago, Thesauron said:

When I spoke to someone who works professionally with etiquette, she responded that, of course you should respect allergies that makes people seriously ill or even threatens to kill them. That’s the number one rule. (She also stressed the importance of respecting people’s religious dietary restrictions.) She felt that vegetarianism or veganism isn’t as important. Of course, if you’re a small group, try to cook something that suits everyone, not separate dishes for different people.

 

What people likes, she felt, is neither here nor there. You should not ask them to bring separate dishes either, it’s plain rude, according to her (unless they have a strict dietary restriction that requires cooking under certain circumstances that you can’t accommodate).

 

She felt it’s the same if you are invited somewhere. If something makes you seriously ill, or threatens to kill you, you should kindly inform the host. If you’re a vegetarian, and the host cooks meat, you eat. If the host cooks something you don’t particularly like, you eat. (She also added that even if the host has cooked something that you feel might need more salt, you never put on salt. You trust the chef to give you good food.)

 

What do you think about these thoughts?

Vegetarians are not going to eat meat because a cook has fixed it.  Talking from experience here.  But, I also feel uncomfortable saying to anyone that I would need separate food.  I will often bring something that I will eat and share with all (a cooked dish, salad, etc.).  That seems to have worked best for me and I don't have to make anyone feel uncomfortable about it.    And, in  no way am I stating that people should be a vegetarian or not eat meat.  I am only commenting on what I personally do in that situation. 

[Thesauron]

Vegetarians are not going to eat meat because a cook has fixed it.  Talking from experience here.  But, I also feel uncomfortable saying to anyone that I would need separate food.  I will often bring something that I will eat and share with all (a cooked dish, salad, etc.).  That seems to have worked best for me and I don't have to make anyone feel uncomfortable about it.    And, in  no way am I stating that people should be a vegetarian or not eat meat.  I am only commenting on what I personally do in that situation. 

Don’t you think a vegetarian could eat what a friend cooked for them?

I don’t know what I think about people being invited to a well prepared meal, only to bring their own food when there isn’t a life or death situation...

[Qapla]

The OP did ask about inviting a group of "friends" over. Most likely, if I was inviting my friends, I would know if some of them are vegetarian/vegan and would make something they could eat as well as food for us omnivores.

 

As to "condiments" - that is a different story.

 

There is a "Burger" place in the US where they feel that their burgers ore so good NOTHING ELSE is needed. They do not have ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper or any other "extras" that can be added to their burgers. That place is an exception.

 

In many fine dining restaurants you will still find salt, pepper, sugar as well as them offering sauces, dressings and other condiments when they take your order or bring your food. If it was expected that ALL people should eat all food EXACTLY as the chef prepared it, they would not do this.

 

On many of the cooking shows - even ones with "5 star chefs" they will acknowledge that not all people like the same amount of salt.

 

Saying that someone should never add salt is like saying that you should eat your meat/steak and/or eggs however the chef likes if - even if you prefer your more or less done than the chef  

[Thesauron]

The OP did ask about inviting a group of "friends" over. Most likely, if I was inviting my friends, I would know if some of them are vegetarian/vegan and would make something they could eat as well as food for us omnivores.
 
As to "condiments" - that is a different story.
 
There is a "Burger" place in the US where they feel that their burgers ore so good NOTHING ELSE is needed. They do not have ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper or any other "extras" that can be added to their burgers. That place is an exception.
 
In many fine dining restaurants you will still find salt, pepper, sugar as well as them offering sauces, dressings and other condiments when they take your order or bring your food. If it was expected that ALL people should eat all food EXACTLY as the chef prepared it, they would not do this.
 
On many of the cooking shows - even ones with "5 star chefs" they will acknowledge that not all people like the same amount of salt.
 
Saying that someone should never add salt is like saying that you should eat your meat/steak and/or eggs however the chef likes if - even if you prefer your more or less done than the chef  

In top fine dining restaurants, you will not find salt at your table. You simply assume the chef knows his job, including how to season the food. In less fine restaurants you will find it. But as a chef I’d feel like it’s a waste to perfect the taste only to have the guest adjust it, or ruin it. If you go to a fine steakhouse, the chef will know exactly how much salt to add to a piece of meat, and why.

It is almost as bad as when people pour ketchup over a nice bowl of pasta with a tomato sauce that has cooked for hours and is seasoned to perfection...

I know a circuit overseer who eat vegetarian when he choses his own food. He’d never ask the friends in the congregations he visits to adjust the menu because of him, or serve him special food. He eats what is served. He is happy if they want to make the meal vegetarian, but only if it isn’t specially for him.

[hatcheckgirl]

I do believe the majority of us, through our training to be loving and kind and considerate to one another, do not want to make our guests feel uncomfortable with the food we cook.  We invite people to eat with us, and accommodate their feelings and tastes, including dietary concerns.  I think knowingly cooking meat while inviting vegetarians and expecting them to eat it is weird, and would not happen.  

 

When I invite, I ask Is there anything you can't eat?  The answer then dictates the menu.  Not the other way around.  I have plenty of recipes that can cater for vegans, vegetarians, lactose-intolerant and gluten free, etc.  I have many happy meals together - because the company is worth it more than the food I cook.

[Raven]

4 hours ago, Thesauron said:

When I spoke to someone who works professionally with etiquette, she responded that, of course you should respect allergies that makes people seriously ill or even threatens to kill them. That’s the number one rule. (She also stressed the importance of respecting people’s religious dietary restrictions.) She felt that vegetarianism or veganism isn’t as important. Of course, if you’re a small group, try to cook something that suits everyone, not separate dishes for different people.

 

What people likes, she felt, is neither here nor there. You should not ask them to bring separate dishes either, it’s plain rude, according to her (unless they have a strict dietary restriction that requires cooking under certain circumstances that you can’t accommodate).

 

She felt it’s the same if you are invited somewhere. If something makes you seriously ill, or threatens to kill you, you should kindly inform the host. If you’re a vegetarian, and the host cooks meat, you eat. If the host cooks something you don’t particularly like, you eat. (She also added that even if the host has cooked something that you feel might need more salt, you never put on salt. You trust the chef to give you good food.)

 

What do you think about these thoughts?

As a vegetarian I have thought about these things before. It's interesting what she said about vegetarians, and I think the culture and circumstances would have to be considered, for instance, if my Bible study (he's a Muslim gentleman) cooked me meat, I would eat it in that situation (thankfully he hasn't), as I wouldn't want to risk offending him. Generally speaking however, I don't agree with having to eat meat when a host cooks only meat. I respect other people's diets, and I like others to respect mine, so I would find it inconsiderate if someone who knew me as a vegetarian cooked meat for me and then expected me to eat it.

Most of the local friends know that I'm vegetarian, and when they invite me to stuff some of them do accommodate my diet, which I always greatly appreciate. I don't expect it however, and am quite prepared to bring my own food so as not to burden the host.

 

1 hour ago, Thesauron said:

Don’t you think a vegetarian could eat what a friend cooked for them?

I don’t know what I think about people being invited to a well prepared meal, only to bring their own food when there isn’t a life or death situation...

I would question what kind of friend would deliberately cook me meat when they know that I'm a vegetarian?

Besides, bringing my own food gives me the opportunity to bring extra, so I can contribute to the meal for others as well.

[Jeanie]

4 hours ago, Thesauron said:

Don’t you think a vegetarian could eat what a friend cooked for them?

I don’t know what I think about people being invited to a well prepared meal, only to bring their own food when there isn’t a life or death situation...

Johan, a vegetarian can not just eat meat.  It is the exact opposite of what we do.  

2 hours ago, Bjern said:

As a vegetarian I have thought about these things before. It's interesting what she said about vegetarians, and I think the culture and circumstances would have to be considered, for instance, if my Bible study (he's a Muslim gentleman) cooked me meat, I would eat it in that situation (thankfully he hasn't), as I wouldn't want to risk offending him. Generally speaking however, I don't agree with having to eat meat when a host cooks only meat. I respect other people's diets, and I like others to respect mine, so I would find it inconsiderate if someone who knew me as a vegetarian cooked meat for me and then expected me to eat it.

Most of the local friends know that I'm vegetarian, and when they invite me to stuff some of them do accommodate my diet, which I always greatly appreciate. I don't expect it however, and am quite prepared to bring my own food so as not to burden the host.

 

I would question what kind of friend would deliberately cook me meat when they know that I'm a vegetarian?

Besides, bringing my own food gives me the opportunity to bring extra, so I can contribute to the meal for others as well.

And it is Ben for the win!  Great answer. 

[Thesauron]

3 hours ago, Jeanie said:

Johan, a vegetarian can not just eat meat.  It is the exact opposite of what we do.  

Apparently, some do. They consider the company more important than a self-imposed dietary restriction. I can just go to myself as an example. There are some things I would never buy or make for myself. But if someone cooks it for me, I’ll eat it. Of course, I’m happy if they skip it, but do not require it, neither do I bring my own special food.

[Thesauron]

6 hours ago, Bjern said:

I would question what kind of friend would deliberately cook me meat when they know that I'm a vegetarian?

Besides, bringing my own food gives me the opportunity to bring extra, so I can contribute to the meal for others as well.

I don’t think my friends have bad intentions, I’d just assume that perhaps they don’t know me very well, or hey didn’t feel like making a specially tailored meal this time, and that’s alright. I’m just glad to be there.

[Raven]

19 minutes ago, Thesauron said:

I can just go to myself as an example. There are some things I would never buy or make for myself. But if someone cooks it for me, I’ll eat it. Of course, I’m happy if they skip it, but do not require it, neither do I bring my own special food.

In your culture, does no one else bring any food aside from the host?

 

14 minutes ago, Thesauron said:

I don’t think my friends have bad intentions, I’d just assume that perhaps they don’t know me very well, or hey didn’t feel like making a specially tailored meal this time, and that’s alright. I’m just glad to be there.

Yeah, that would certainly qualify as them not knowing you well, and generally speaking I would think that a relationship that classifies as a friendship would mean that the person would know you reasonably well.

 

Just curious from some of your comments, do you think that being vegetarian would be an inconvenience for other people?

[Thesauron]

22 minutes ago, Bjern said:

In your culture, does no one else bring any food aside from the host?

In my culture, it is only done if the host asks you and has planned that type of gathering. Never for a regular meal.

22 minutes ago, Bjern said:

Just curious from some of your comments, do you think that being vegetarian would be an inconvenience for other people?

Any kind of self-imposed dietary restriction is an unnecessary inconvenience to the one inviting and doing the cooking, and nothing that should be expected to be accommodated. I have some of those self-imposed restrictions myself.

Edited March 7, 2019 by Thesauron

[Jeanie]

5 hours ago, Thesauron said:

Any kind of self-imposed dietary restriction is an unnecessary inconvenience to the one inviting and doing the cooking, and nothing that should be expected to be accommodated. I have some of those self-imposed restrictions myself.

Hmmm......actually fixing a dinner for a vegetarian does not require more effort, but less.  For example, you do not have to fix that steak for me, think how much time that saves.  Or you can cook a meal that is accommodating, such as a taco bar.  I can fix a pretty nice salad out of the toppings that go on a taco.    Those are just examples.  But, if I ever make it over into your neck of the woods, I will invite you and your family over so that you don't have to worry about being unnecessarily inconvenienced and we can just enjoy a meal together and enjoy the fellowship.  I won't even try to convert you to the vegetarian lifestyle.   

[hatcheckgirl]

7 hours ago, Thesauron said:

Any kind of self-imposed dietary restriction is an unnecessary inconvenience to the one inviting and doing the cooking, and nothing that should be expected to be accommodated. I have some of those self-imposed restrictions myself.

Not where I'm from, Johan.  It must be a cultural thing then.  We know that people nowadays have allergies, food preferences, and we try to accommodate these when we invite our friends.  Ask, "Is there something you can't eat?"  Then accommodate.  That is the host's responsibility, to take care of their guests.  It is the guest's responsibility to be gracious and offer to bring something.  That's how it's done here anyway.

My close friend is a vegetarian, married to a meat eating brother.  She buys and cooks meals that include meat.  She invites us over for her delicious pizzas, and she always provides meat toppings for those who like that.  See?  Works both ways.  Vegetarians accommodate us meat eaters. We accommodate them.

Everyone's happy  

[Thesauron]

Hmmm......actually fixing a dinner for a vegetarian does not require more effort, but less.  For example, you do not have to fix that steak for me, think how much time that saves.  Or you can cook a meal that is accommodating, such as a taco bar.  I can fix a pretty nice salad out of the toppings that go on a taco.    Those are just examples.  But, if I ever make it over into your neck of the woods, I will invite you and your family over so that you don't have to worry about being unnecessarily inconvenienced and we can just enjoy a meal together and enjoy the fellowship.  I won't even try to convert you to the vegetarian lifestyle.   

Which is one reason I mostly cook vegetarian. My meat-eating friends will have to make do with that.

I also require what I eat to be ecological/organic, if possible, and sourced locally and sustainable, if it can be arranged. Any animals killed must come from a good source, such as a skilled hunter, and respect for the life given dictates that I am very careful with what meat I eat. Also, large chunks of mushrooms have nothing to do in food. Cashew or peanuts should not be in food. Neither should fruit, such as banana, or pineapple.

But, and here’s my point: I would never ask a host to conform to my dietary wishes. It is for me at privately. When I’m eating at someone else’s home, I eat what the host wants to serve. I would not want the host to feel they have to arrange for two separate menus. I’d like the same in return.

[Thesauron]

3 hours ago, hatcheckgirl said:

That is the host's responsibility, to take care of their guests.  It is the guest's responsibility to be gracious and offer to bring something.  That's how it's done here anyway.

They do take care of their guests by cooking the best food they can. It is usually unthinkable for a guest to suggest bringing food. It would be interpreted as if they think the host is unable to supply enough food. You might bring a bottle of wine for the host, but etiquette dictates that it should not be used for the dinner. It is assumed that the host has provided fine drinks, unless otherwise asked.

[Hope]

I'm sort of a mix of all this.  I'd NEVER ask or expect anyone to bring their own food to a dinner I'm making for them, unless it was a pot-luck dinner or something like that. I'd be distressed if someone *did* bring their own - the whole point of dinner guests is for them to eat the food I make! 

 

If I knew someone was vegetarian (or vegan = horrors 😉 ), I'd ensure there was something on the menu they could eat with good conscience and happy bellies.  Usually a salad with choices of toppings and dressing will fit that bill.  I generally run the menu by my friends in the first place; they're the usual suspects generally in my service car groups. It helps me think of what would be best to cook; I love suggestions. I don't have a table, so it's plates on laps in my small apartment - I can't have more than four or five people over, anyway. 

 

TBH, it would be much more challenging for me to cook vegetarian (or definitely vegan).  I'm not a big veggie eater, myself and figuring out how to make plates of vegetables taste as good as a plate of fried chicken or lasagna would definitely stretch my brain!  Fortunately, my crew are happy meat eaters!  

[Raven]

12 hours ago, Thesauron said:

In my culture, it is only done if the host asks you and has planned that type of gathering. Never for a regular meal.

Ok, so there is a cultural element here, which is to be considered. I know that in some cultures the guests are expected to bring contributing food, for instance, so that would be very easy for someone with a different diet to bring something that they can eat. In your culture's case, it would seem that it would be up to the host then. Still, if the host is fully aware of someone else's diet, it would be a little odd if they invited that person with no intention of accommodating for their diet, while at the same time that person not being able to bring any food themselves. If I was not allowed to bring any food and knew that the host, who knows I'm vegetarian, was not going to prepare anything meat-free (I'm not sure why every dish must contain meat either, by the way?), I suppose the only option left then would be to eat a meal beforehand ~ that way I would not inconvenience anyone, and I would not feel like I'm being forced to eat something I feel very uncomfortable about eating.

 

12 hours ago, Thesauron said:

Any kind of self-imposed dietary restriction is an unnecessary inconvenience to the one inviting and doing the cooking, and nothing that should be expected to be accommodated. I have some of those self-imposed restrictions myself.

I guess it must depend on perspective then, because from my perspective cooking food that is generally more expensive, more difficult to prepare, and less healthy is the one that is unnecessarily inconvenient. Each to their own though, of course.

 

Besides this, do you know the reasons why someone might choose to be a vegetarian or vegan? Because it may not feel so unnecessary to the individual who has chosen that kind of diet.
I completely agree that the vegetarian's diet shouldn't be pushed onto others, but I also completely disagree with a non-vegetarian diet being pushed onto a vegetarian.

 

1 hour ago, Thesauron said:

They do take care of their guests by cooking the best food they can. It is usually unthinkable for a guest to suggest bringing food. It would be interpreted as if they think the host is unable to supply enough food. You might bring a bottle of wine for the host, but etiquette dictates that it should not be used for the dinner. It is assumed that the host has provided fine drinks, unless otherwise asked.

Where I'm from it would be unthinkable for a guest to bring alcohol without first asking if that's ok to do so.

Edited March 7, 2019 by Bjern