A good joke

[tiredbrickie]

How do Tennesseans water ski?

 

 

[dilip kumar]

Small joke of the day.
A mosquito wanted to bite me and so I tried to kill it, Then he looked at me and said "Jehovah's
Witnesses don't kill. "
I replied "they don't give their blood either".

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[Stoffer]

Two clowns eating a cannibal.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

 

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One says to the other:

"Do you smell fish?"

 

I know you're all laughing on the inside! 

Edited May 30, 2017 by Stoffer

[Tortuga]

5 hours ago, Stoffer said:

Two clowns eating a cannibal.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

I loved the dyslexia...

[Stoffer]

Just now, Tortuga said:

I loved the dyslexia...

Arrgggh. You're right! I am soooo losing my mind!

Two cannibals eating a clown...

[pnutts]

2 hours ago, Tortuga said:

I loved the dyslexia...

Tain't dat a car dis Lexia?

 

[walkr2]

Small joke of the day.
A mosquito wanted to bite me and so I tried to kill it, Then he looked at me and said "Jehovah's
Witnesses don't kill. "
I replied "they don't give their blood either".

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[walkr2]

Your walking in a jungle and you come upon a bear and a lion.
what would you rather, the bear eat you or the lion?
 

Would that be hypothetical? It's definitely a no brainer on that one!

[Qapla]

1 hour ago, walkr2 said:

what would you rather, the bear eat you or the lion?

 

I would much rather the bear eat the lion ......

[dove]

If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?...

[nanceebgd46]

Now that is a deep and complex question...Huhhh?

[Friends just call me Ross]

Hope this ain't a repeat...

 

Most folks seldom ponder on the 'here after'.

I think about it every day.

I walk into a room and I wonder, 'What am I here after?"

 

[Pjdriver]

I knew a guy who was an insomniac, agnostic and dyslexic.

 

He would stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Sheep]

On 6/8/2017 at 1:32 PM, Dove said:

If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?...

Ummm. They eat cannibals?

[Sheep]

Dear everyone, the following is a continuation of a post that appeared recently in the "Pictures" thread. I include it here instead because I don't have any pictures to go with it.

 

Where is this doctor???! Someone find me his phone number... He clearly gives very well thought out, practical advice.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 

 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 

 

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good! 

 

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? 

 

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 

 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around! 

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 

 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 

 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

 

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! 
  
  

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 

 

And remember: 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride!’ 

 

AND..... 

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

 

CONCLUSION: 

 

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Friends just call me Ross]

[dilip kumar]

Dear everyone, the following is a continuation of a post that appeared recently in the "Pictures" thread. I include it here instead because I don't have any pictures to go with it.
 
Where is this doctor???! Someone find me his phone number... He clearly gives very well thought out, practical advice.
 
_____________________________________________________
 
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
 
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
 
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good! 
 
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? 
 
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around! 
 
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
 
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 
 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 
 
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! 
  
  
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 
 
And remember: 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride!’ 
 
AND..... 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
CONCLUSION: 
 
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Was seriously worried about my figure.
Now i can be practically liberal or we can say liberally practical.

Lol ....

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[dilip kumar]

```An Arab falls in love with a Gujarati girl and decides to meet her father.```

```Arab``` : ```Your daughter is beautiful and I love her. If you let me marry her I will give u gold equal to her weight.````

Gujrati : I need time.

Arab : To think?

Gujrati : No no...to increase her weight ```

*Investments always give u better Returns if u hold for longer Term . Stay Invested*

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[Old]

Do you remeber the blond that went to the auto parts store because she needed a new 710 ?

 

[Musky]

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.  Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

 

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

 

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels slide in and drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

 

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy.  They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him.  They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[Qapla]

 

 

[dilip kumar]

Guruji, how do I learn about my mistakes.

Guru: Identify one mistake in your wife and tell her to correct it. In response she will help identify all your mistakes along with your family's and your friends as well. It's that easy.

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[dilip kumar]

A newly married couple was walking through a garden, suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little while and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.

But his wife shouted
"I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog"!!

Husband... ""

Moral : A Wife is a Wife

No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife.

Swami Unknownananda

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[dilip kumar]

[dilip kumar]

*The Preacher and the man with a hearing problem*

In a church in one Sunday morning a preacher said,

"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked,

"Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

He replied,

"Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter's ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

"Peter, how is your hearing now?"

Peter answered,

"I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the magistrate court."



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