A good joke

[dilip kumar]

When you are bored just think about a few things that don't make sense ...like ;



1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?



2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?



3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?



4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?



5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.



6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.



7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"


8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


10. If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before


Sent from my Infinix X572 using Tapatalk

[dilip kumar]

When I was in class 7 I used to ask a lot of questions.


One Day I decided to ask one ms. Smith this question.


ME: Well, in pronunciation we ignore some letters eg letter 'H' in Hour, Honest, Honor.. E.t.c, Why?

Ms. Smith: Not ignoring, they are considered silent.

(I was even more confused) (after class, the teacher asked me to heat her packed lunch for her in the microwave in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned an empty hotpot)

Ms. Smith: What happened... I told you to go and HEAT my food??

ME: Mmmmh Madam I thought 'H' was silent


🤣🤣🤣

Sent from my Infinix X572 using Tapatalk

[Pjdriver]

Jobs I’ve had

 

My first job was working at an Orange Juice factory, but got canned I couldn't concentrate.

 

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumber Jack, but I couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

 

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

Then, I tried to be a Chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

 

I attempted to be a Deli Work, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

 

My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

 

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

 

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory, I tried but I just didn't fit in.

 

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

 

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was to draining.

 

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian until I realized there was no future in it.

 

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

[Pjdriver]

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.
I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." 
He said, "Like what?" 
I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
—————

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
————-

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. 
I said, "Don't do it!" 
He said, "Nobody loves me." 
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." 
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" 
He said, "A Christian." 
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" 
He said, "Protestant." 
I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" 
He said, "Baptist." 
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" 
He said, "Northern Baptist." 
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." 
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" 
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." 
I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" 
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." 

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[Musky]

In my last job I worked I had over 2,000 people under me!

I mowed lawns at the cemetery.

[pnutts]

On 1/19/2018 at 4:29 PM, Musky said:

I mowed lawns at the cemetery.

I thought that is your job now.

[dilip kumar]

Taking care of the wife

Sent from my Infinix X572 using Tapatalk

[dilip kumar]

Lovingly sharp........

Sent from my Infinix X572 using Tapatalk

[dilip kumar]

Medical attention .....

Sent from my Infinix X572 using Tapatalk

[walkr2]

Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?  Where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!!!!!  It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 
  
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. 
  
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 
  
  
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? 
  
It's so easy to fool OLD people. 
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! 
Oh, quit whining, I fell for it, too.

🤣🤣

[Friends just call me Ross]

Was cleaning out some old folders in my email and came across this gem from 2003...he he he 

 

Top Ten Reasons We Can All Be Grateful That Cars Are NOT Computers...

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

 

For some reason, you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

 

7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
 
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

Old, but gold. 

[Qapla]

It may be old and a joke. .. but 

 

 

Number 10 is now true

[njwinans]

Why don't scientist believe atoms?

They make up everything.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A proton walks into a hotel lobby with one bag.  The bellhop asks if he could take his bag to the room.  The proton replies, "No, I'm traveling light."

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

What fish is made up of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na (tuna)

 

hehehe

Edited February 26, 2018 by njwinans

[bohemian]

How do you milk sheep?

 

Release a new smartphone.

[bohemian]

Just bought a Prince autographed guitar. Was hoping to get it cheap and won the auction for £20.

Still, I partied like it was £19.99...

 

 

 

 

A policeman came up to me today and said, "so, where were you between four and six?"

I said, "in Primary School."

Edited March 14, 2018 by bohemian

[bohemian]

Three friends - a Blonde, an Irishman and a Woman - walk into a large record shop.

A shop assistant enthusiastically approaches the group.

Assistant: Good afternoon. Welcome to Large Record Shop: can I help any of you?

Blonde: yes, do you have any 78s?

Assistant: I’m sorry, we don’t, madam, you’d need to go to a specialist shop for those.

Irishman: I’d be really interested in seeing your range of mono classical recordings.

Assistant: I’m sorry sir, we don’t stock those.

Woman: do you have any quadraphonic records then?

Assistant: I do apologise madam but we haven’t sold those since the 1980s... (looks quizzically at the group and points to shelves stacked with CDs and vinyl) Are none of you interested in the thousands of records we do have in stock?

Friends (in unison): what do you take us for: stereo-types?

 

 

 

 

In a bid to get fit I've just been to the gym and there"s a new machine there.

I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great!

It's got Kit-Kats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it....

 

Edited March 14, 2018 by bohemian

[bohemian]

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me...

 

[dilip kumar]

Come on...

Sent from my Infinix X572 using Tapatalk

[bohemian]

"There is no God" - Stephen Hawking 2014

'There is no Stephen Hawking' - God 2018

[Skyler]

I can't help but love animals, even when they're naughty.

[ChrisC]

Hard drive from 1950.

 

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

Hard drive from 1950.
 

Sorry. That has been photoshopped. That should read: 512 bits!

Older
{still waiting for the 'Wiser'}

[ChrisC]

32 minutes ago, TonyWenz said:

Sorry. That has been photoshopped. That should read: 512 bits!

Older
{still waiting for the 'Wiser'}
 

About 30 years ago I said to a work colleague that chip miniaturisation was proceeding so quickly that within a couple of decades the name and address of everyone in the world would fit on a single chip. He replied “It would be a shame if somebody moved.”

[dove]

1 hour ago, ChrisC said:

Hard drive from 1950.

 

I'd like to see the device it fit into..(if it were real)

Edited March 15, 2018 by Dove

[dilip kumar]

Eat it to believe it....

Sent from my Infinix X572 using Tapatalk