A good joke

[davanz]

A man suffered a horrible accident in which his hands were crushed.  After many hours of surgery, his surgeon told him that in a few months the hands would be fully usable again. He said, "that sounds great, will I be able to play the piano then?".  The doctor assured him that he would indeed be able to play the piano. The man replied, "that's great, I aways wanted to play, but never learned how, but thanks to you I will be able to".

[Keep Fighting]

My grandfather had a favorite joke. (He clearly explained that he respected everyone)

This one is a bit typical of perhaps Scandinavia.
One from Denmark, one from Sweden and one from Norway were discussing who had the best doctor. The Dane. Said that in Denmark there was a man who lost his leg at the thigh, but the doctor sewed it back on and the person now plays for the Danish national football team.
The Swede said that a man lost his arm up by the shoulder, the doctor sewed it back on and the person now plays for the Swedish national handball team.
The Norwegian said that a man lost his head, a doctor sewed on a cabbage head, and now the person is a member of parliament.

[Pabo]

A Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were travelling together and couldn't find a hotel in a particular city they wanted to visit to stay overnight. Then looking up AirBnB, they found a place with 3 rooms that available just outside the cuty, but it's ratings was only 1 star and the reviews were really, really bad. As they contemplated about their situation, they thought best to make that booking as they had no other choice.

 

When they got there, the owner of the place that the 3 rooms each had different issues and they would each have to pick a bed that they feel that they could handle. The first room had a bed of fire, the second had a bed of nails, and the third had a bed of fleas. After some dicsussion between themselves, the Englishman took the bed of fire, the Scotsman choose the bed of nails and the Irishman chose the bed of fleas.

 

The next morning over breakfast, they discussed how they slept that night.

 

The Englishman was the first to say, "The bed of fire kept me up all night and I couldn't get a wink of sleep. Look at me, I am scorched all over and now I am redder than a BBQ'd lobster."

 

"That's nothing compared to my nights sleep!" chimed in the Scotsman, "the bed of nails poked me every time when I turned over, or even moved a muscle! I'm in pain and look at all the little holes all over me! It looks like I had a fight with a porcupine!"

 

The Irishman looked at them both and then said, "Looks like you both had a rough night, but I slept like a baby."

 

"How on earth did you manage to sleep on a bed of fleas with them biting and crawling over you?" asked the Scotsman.

 

"Quite simple actually. I killed one flea and the rest went to the funeral" replied the Irishman.

Edited November 9, 2023 by Pabo

[Rodejong]

An American, English man, and a Russian climbed mount Everest. 

On top of the mountain, they saw a beautiful girl. 

She said, the guy who jumps and survives get's to marry me.

    The Russian guy jumped immediately without thinking. [Splat]

    The American guy saw that, but had his parachute with him, so he had no problem with it.

So he jumped as well. Unfortunately for him, a huge wind gust through him at the rocks, tore his parachute and fell to his death too.

    The English man was not such a brave guy, and was only gone along with these two guys as they called him a stiff chicken for not wanting to climb the mountain. He thought long about it, and then he came op with the best solution:

Spoiler

"Ladies first please" 

 

[Keep Fighting]

[Dolce vita]

On 13/03/2015 at 19:30, dilip kumar said:

L'histoire d'amour de Kamlesh et Kavita.

Kamlesh et Kavita étaient tous deux patients dans un hôpital psychiatrique.

Un jour, alors qu’ils passaient devant la piscine de l’hôpital, Kamlesh a soudainement sauté dans le grand bain.

Il tomba au fond de la piscine et y resta.

Kavita est rapidement intervenue pour le sauver.

Elle a nagé jusqu'au fond et l'a sorti.

Lorsque l'infirmière en chef a eu connaissance de l'acte héroïque de Kavita, elle a immédiatement ordonné qu'elle sorte de l'hôpital car elle la considérait désormais mentalement stable.

Lorsqu'elle est allée annoncer la nouvelle à Kavita, elle a dit : « Kavita, j'ai une bonne et une mauvaise nouvelle.

La bonne nouvelle est que vous êtes libéré puisque vous avez été capable de réagir rationnellement à une crise en intervenant et en sauvant la vie de la personne que vous aimez.

J'ai conclu que votre acte témoigne d'une bonne intelligence.

La mauvaise nouvelle est que Kamlesh s'est pendu dans la salle de bain avec la ceinture de son peignoir juste après que vous l'ayez sauvé. Je suis vraiment désolé, mais il est mort.

Kavita a répondu (tu vas adorer ça)

I feel ridiculous asking the question 8 years later, @Dilip Kumar, especially since everyone seems to have understood the joke but I wonder : has she finished her sentence, Kavita? What did she reply ? What's the joke ?

[Tortuga]

14 minutes ago, Dolce vita said:

I feel ridiculous asking the question 8 years later, @Dilip Kumar, especially since everyone seems to have understood the joke but I wonder : has she finished her sentence, Kavita? What did she reply ? What's the joke ?

I don't know what happened to the rest of the joke but I think she replied that he was wet so she hung him up to dry.

[Dolce vita]

2 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

Je ne sais pas ce qui est arrivé au reste de la blague mais je pense qu'elle a répondu qu'il était mouillé alors elle l'a suspendu pour qu'il sèche.

Thank you, @Tortue. So she killed him! So the ending did well to disappear😜

[Tortuga]

8 minutes ago, Dolce vita said:

Thank you, @Tortue. So she killed him! So the ending did well to disappear😜

It also meant she wasn't as sane as they thought she was...

[Dolce vita]

7 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

Cela signifiait aussi qu'elle n'était pas aussi saine d'esprit qu'ils le pensaient...

I caught that🙂

[Keep Fighting]

A long time ago an English priest was cycling one evening without lights on his bike. The sheriff stops him and says it will be a £1 fine. The priest says, the Lord Jesus sits on the back of the bike and lights up the road. It will be 2 pounds then, it is not allowed with two on the bike.

[➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone]

Father O'Malley, a jolly man with a passion for cycling, was distraught when his beloved bicycle vanished from his shed. "Who would steal a priest's bike?" he lamented, his rosy cheeks flushed with indignation.

His frustration mounted as he trudged between visits to his parishioners, his mind consumed by the mystery of the missing bicycle. He eyed everyone suspiciously; He peeked into backyards and sheds as he walked by. No one was exempted from scrutiny, from the altar boys to the elderly church ladies, wondering who among them could be the culprit.

Desperate for a solution, Father O'Malley sought the counsel of his bishop, a wise and insightful man with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Give a sermon on the Ten Commandments," the bishop advised, "but lay special emphasis on the eighth."

Father O'Malley nodded eagerly, a spark of determination igniting in his eyes. He envisioned himself delivering a fiery sermon, his booming voice echoing through the church as he painted vivid pictures of eternal damnation for those who dared to steal.

The day of the sermon arrived, and Father O'Malley instructed his attendants to ‘be on the lookout’ for suspicious behaviour. He launched into his speech with gusto. He thundered through the first six commandments, his voice resonating with righteous indignation. But as he approached the seventh commandment, a strange sensation washed over him. His mind grew hazy, his thoughts scattered.

When he reached the eighth commandment, "Thou shalt not steal," his mind went completely blank. The words stuck on his tongue, refusing to form themselves into a coherent sentence. Puzzled and disheartened, he stammered through the remaining commandments, his sermon ending on a whimper rather than a bang.

After the service, Father O'Malley's attendants rushed to him, eager to report on the reactions of the parishioners. "Who showed signs of guilt?" they wondered, their faces etched with anticipation.

Father O'Malley shook his head, a sheepish grin spreading across his face. "I'm afraid I can't tell you," he admitted. "As I was delivering the sermon, I had a sudden lapse in memory.”

He seemed to forget the whole concern he had with the bike.

The Bishop called later that day. He was eager to hear the result of the sermon. The priest confessed to the Bishop, it was not stolen. He actually had forgotten where he parked the bike.

 “As I was recounting the 7th commandment, I remember where I parked my bike…”

 

Spoiler

The 10 Commandments List, Short Form*

1. 1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. 2. You shall not make idols.
3. 3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. 4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. 5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. 6. You shall not murder.
7. 7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. 8. You shall not steal.
9. 9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. 10. You shall not covet.

 

[CHecker]

15 minutes ago, ➕👇 ꓤꓱꓷꓠꓵ🎵Tone said:

Father O'Malley, a jolly man with a passion for cycling, was distraught when his beloved bicycle vanished from his shed. "Who would steal a priest's bike?" he lamented, his rosy cheeks flushed with indignation.

His frustration mounted as he trudged between visits to his parishioners, his mind consumed by the mystery of the missing bicycle. He eyed everyone suspiciously; He peeked into backyards and sheds as he walked by. No one was exempted from scrutiny, from the altar boys to the elderly church ladies, wondering who among them could be the culprit.

Desperate for a solution, Father O'Malley sought the counsel of his bishop, a wise and insightful man with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Give a sermon on the Ten Commandments," the bishop advised, "but lay special emphasis on the eighth."

Father O'Malley nodded eagerly, a spark of determination igniting in his eyes. He envisioned himself delivering a fiery sermon, his booming voice echoing through the church as he painted vivid pictures of eternal damnation for those who dared to steal.

The day of the sermon arrived, and Father O'Malley instructed his attendants to ‘be on the lookout’ for suspicious behaviour. He launched into his speech with gusto. He thundered through the first six commandments, his voice resonating with righteous indignation. But as he approached the seventh commandment, a strange sensation washed over him. His mind grew hazy, his thoughts scattered.

When he reached the eighth commandment, "Thou shalt not steal," his mind went completely blank. The words stuck on his tongue, refusing to form themselves into a coherent sentence. Puzzled and disheartened, he stammered through the remaining commandments, his sermon ending on a whimper rather than a bang.

After the service, Father O'Malley's attendants rushed to him, eager to report on the reactions of the parishioners. "Who showed signs of guilt?" they wondered, their faces etched with anticipation.

Father O'Malley shook his head, a sheepish grin spreading across his face. "I'm afraid I can't tell you," he admitted. "As I was delivering the sermon, I had a sudden lapse in memory.”

He seemed to forget the whole concern he had with the bike.

The Bishop called later that day. He was eager to hear the result of the sermon. The priest confessed to the Bishop, it was not stolen. He actually had forgotten where he parked the bike.

 “As I was recounting the 7th commandment, I remember where I parked my bike…”

 

  Hide contents

The 10 Commandments List, Short Form*

1. 1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. 2. You shall not make idols.
3. 3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. 4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. 5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. 6. You shall not murder.
7. 7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. 8. You shall not steal.
9. 9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. 10. You shall not covet.

 

Busted 😄

[Mike047]

It reminds me of the three clergymen from different faiths who went out in a lake to do a spot of fishing. They had plenty of fishing gear and, starting early, they made their way to the centre of the lake. It was the Anglican minister who realised that none of them had brought food for the day so suggested they row back. 'Now we have found a good spot for fishing' said the fairly rotund Catholic priest 'I'm not keen to return - and we do have some fish'. A Presbyterian friend of theirs who was a good swimmer, though a lot older than both of them, offered to return to the mainland, and pick up their lunch boxes. They readily agreed.

 

The older man stepped out of the boat and, to their great surprise, walked across the water to the bank, climbed up and walked off to his house, where the lunches had been left. The Anglican and the Catholic were flabbergasted (sounds like it ought to be two words but.)where was I... Oh yes, they both thought of recanting their faith and each beseeching the Presbyterian for details about his faith. Shortly they noticed him walking down the slight incline toward the water's edge, carrying three lunch boxes. He stepped into the water and, walking across the surface again, returned to the boat.

 

The Catholic had 'crossed' himself innumerable times, and the Anglican had collapsed onto the wooden seat. The Presbyterian climbed back onto the boat and started handing the boxes across. 'You have certainly performed a miracle said the Catholic man, surely God is with you in a powerful way, what did his spirit do to you?'

 

The Presbyterian, looked directly at him 'well, if it did anything, it reminded me where the stepping stones are'.

[Tortuga]

My wife was going to make me a sandwich and asked what kind of bread would I like. She said I had a choice of white, wheat and sourdough, I told that I wanted naan of them...

[Lee49]

15 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

naan of them...

I had to look that one up! 

[Tortuga]

30 minutes ago, Tortuga said:

My wife was going to make me a sandwich and asked what kind of bread would I like. She said I had a choice of white, wheat and sourdough, I told that I wanted naan of them...

Its a true story naan the less...

 

The sandwich was so I good that I call it Naan of the Above.

Edited November 23, 2023 by Tortuga

[Mike047]

Two pieces of dough had been prepped for baking bread, they were left for some time and got very depressed, one said to the other 'I don't think I can make bread anymore, I think I am dead. 'Don't worry' said the other piece of dough 'you will rise again'

[Pabo]

Why are bakers always struggling to make money?

 

Spoiler

Even though they make plenty of dough, they hardly take any bread home, even though they are the bread winners of the family.

 

[Pabo]

Why are bakers so good at doing barn dancing?

 

Spoiler

It's because they do a lot of dough-see-dough

 

Edited November 25, 2023 by Pabo

[Mike047]

Poor bakers, I guess they're in need of dough. didn't see your added contents -

they really are a-maize-ing!

Edited November 25, 2023 by Mike047

[Mike047]

A local baker kept bought a prizewinning dog - He was a pure bread

[Tortuga]

33 minutes ago, Mike047 said:

Poor bakers, I guess they're in need of dough. didn't see your added contents -

they really are a-maize-ing!

Corn-y! 🤣

[Qapla]

Although bakers get a raise every day - seldom do they get to keep all that dough

 

Edited November 25, 2023 by Qapla

[Old]

2 hours ago, Mike047 said:

A local baker kept bought a prizewinning dog - He was a pure bread

 

Gong