A good joke

[Musky]

The Irish talking clock

 

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

 

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked..

 

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

 

'How's it work?' the friend asked,

 

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

'You IDIOT!  It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'

 

[dilip kumar]

Always be busy.

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[dilip kumar]

[dilip kumar]

[pnutts]

A thought for over 50

 

[dove]

Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?  Where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!!!!!  It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.  The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 
  
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. 
  
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 
  
  
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? 
  
It's so easy to fool OLD people. 

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! 

Oh, quit whining, I fell for it, too.

[dilip kumar]

A thought for over 50
 

Liked particularly the out of order sticker.

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[bohemian]

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......" 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stayon the line so we can trace your call. 
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. 
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. 
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. 
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. 
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. 
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. 
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever. 
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[dilip kumar]

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyally 10 years and you do this..?

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded"Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs"
The king agreed.

In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…

The guard was baffled…
But he agreed.
So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

So when the 10 days were up…

The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced .

When he was thrown in,
everyone was amazed at what they saw..
The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister..licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. ” what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.

The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…

The king realised his mistake

and

Replaced the dogs with crocodiles !!

Moral : Once Management has targeted you ...that's final...



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[dilip kumar]

*World's biggest and most common lie MEN say:*
```
No need to ask my wife.
My decision is final.```

*World's biggest and most common lie WOMEN say:*
```
I will ask my husband and tell you... ````🤣

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[trottigy]

Male logic... flawless

This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

 Man: Yes

 

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

 

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

 Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

 

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

 Man: Correct

 

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

 Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

 

Man: Do you drink beer?

 Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

[dilip kumar]

Childbirth at 65

(Too good not to pass on, Enjoy!)

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first..'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

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[Friends just call me Ross]

 

[Qapla]

[Friends just call me Ross]

Arguing with a woman
is like reading the
software agreement.

 

In the end, you have to
ignore everything
and just click

 

"I AGREE"

 

 

hee hee hee

[Musky]

At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch."

[SheyZ]

At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch."

That is a funny one!

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[Friends just call me Ross]

Exercise program for seniors:

[Friends just call me Ross]

The Story of Four Horse       A man once asked an old Indian what  his wife's name was.  He replied, "She called Four Horse". The guy said, "That's an unusual name. What does it mean?" "It old Indian Name. Mean,   Spoiler NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

 

[Friends just call me Ross]

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

 

Spoiler

[Friends just call me Ross]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says " Dam !"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank.

Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him " Juan ."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan , you've seen Ahmal."
 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail

and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends,

with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did
 

[SheyZ]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says " Dam !"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank. Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him " Juan ." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan , you've seen Ahmal."
  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
 

Thanks Ross. Had a Nice Chuckle.

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[bohemian]

I just heard that the guy who invented knock-knock jokes has won the Nobell prize!

[Sheep]

16 hours ago, Friends just call me Ross said:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail

and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

Oh, that's terrible!

But I laughed at it anyway. 

 

[kejedo]

18 minutes ago, Sheep said:

 

Oh, that's terrible!

But I laughed at it anyway. 

 

Edited November 6, 2017 by kejedo