Need encouragement and practical tips

[cobaltbluetony]

I'm putting myself out here, so please be kind.

 

My wife and I suffer from poor health.  I bear the brunt of the load, which includes work and most, if not all, of the chores. My back gave out on me last weekend, and things have gotten even worse.

 

I am always behind, and the house suffers greatly for it.  We have never been so clean as to feel comfortable having anyone over.

 

This sad state also affects how we feel about ourselves as spiritual people, as we are not nearly as clean as we need to be.

 

I don't know how to ask for help, since most of the congregation is old [and disabled], and my wife (and I) feels shame because of the condition of our home.

 

We also can't afford to hire anyone, and frankly, it needs to be done.  Given our financial woes to boot, I feel hopelessly stuck.

 

I could use some suggestions, as well as to perhaps not feel so alone in this.

[Pjdriver]

Hi brother Tony. I can relate to some degree. My wife has several serious health problems and although I’m semi-retired, I am very busy running a business. I get to do all the shopping and most household duties. Although I don’t mind doing the work, my health is not so good as to tolerate constant activities beyond what would be considered normal.I wear out quicker since I had a heart attack and a couple of stents put in. I also have arthritis in both knees and back issues as well. Not to mention I regularly pass kidney stones...that’s always fun. 

 

Normally, we are very orderly and clean, but now I notice I’m always see things and thinking, ‘I need to do this or that’, but it seems I never can get to it. It goes against my nature to hire someone to do what and my wife have always done. So I understand that feeling. Although, I can afford to hire someone...I’m certainly not wealthy and could use the money elsewhere. I’m going to have to bite the bullet and at least hire someone to do some of the things I can’t get to. 

 

For you....I understand that asking for help is hard because most decent and responsible people feel like it’s an imposition to ask. But think of it like this. At some point all of us need help. You’re not alone in that.

 

Have you ever had to help someone in need? How did you feel?  Was it an imposition or were you glad to help someone in need. 

If it’s truly a need, talk with the elders and just tell them your circumstances. Even though they may be somewhat aware, they may assume you must be handling it. Let them know that it affects the way you feel spiritually. See what they say. I think you’ll be glad you did.

 

Too many trips around the Sun, and dealing with declining health stinks. All the more reason we need to do as Jesus directed: 

 

Matt.6:34

Keep on, then, seeking first the Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you.  34 So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.

Edited June 3, 2019 by Pjdriver

[Miss Bea]

My heart goes out to you. Burt’s words are precious. 

Before retirement, I worked for a clinic, and did home visits. I had this one elderly client. A real eccentric. But I loved her. Cherokee. 

Anyway, I went by, and, she was Mormon, and three of her church members were cleaning at her house. 

My point is, somehow, out of love there should be help for you, from our family. 

Thank you for trusting us. 

Prayers....and love 

 

[Meditate!]

Bro Tony. Feel for you. 

What is 'clean?'  it's  different things to different people. OK some things are obvious.. My wife's version of clean and tidy is different mine. But she is a perfectionist. It's hard for her to say that will do. You may already be ING realistic.. I don't know. 

 

However some things need facing and just as Burt has already mentioned, getting older sends to bring challenges you don't want to face or admit. 

We have one in our congregation who can't do what they used to do.. When I visit I don't come out with a list of things they should be doing. I try to be realistic about their situation. It helps that I know what some of the physical challenges are a trying to cope too. 

However, as Burt said. You may need to ask for help EccentricM if it is just little support. 

 

I'll pay for things to go well with you brother Tony. 

[Saffron]

I really feel for you and can definitely relate. I am a single parent with disabled kids and  chronic health problems, including a bad back, which was going out regularly. So I'm sure you can imagine how bad my house looked when it did. By the time I would finish playing catch up, my back would go out again or something would happen.

 

Everything is kind of under control now and here's what I did: 

 

1. Regular chiropractic care, which I understand not everyone can afford, but it has really helped my back so much. 

 

2. Lowered my expectations. As much as I love the neat, clean, organized look, it's just not realistic for me. I keep the living area, bathrooms and kitchen clean. The rest is good enough. 

 

3. In my downtime, I sometimes watch YouTube videos on cleaning and organizing. I have learned to be more efficient this way and it kind of hypes me up to just tackle things and just get them done. 

 

4. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B078RMCFWQ?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title

This thing costs $10 and was a game changer for me. My biggest regret is not buying it sooner. I can pick up very tiny legos all the way to clothes without hurting my back. It won't work for really large or heavy things, but still worth getting if you don't have anything like this. 

 

There is no shame in needing help. We all do in this rotten old system. If I lived anywhere near you, I'd help you myself. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Beggar for the Spirit]

Hi Tony,

 

Thanks for putting yourself out there and asking for advice. To be honest, after reading your post, I would personally go over to your home and help you with whatever you needed. I could try to help with yard work, even though I am not very experienced.

 

 But sadly I don't live near you, sorry. However the reason I mentioned this is because if I feel this way, then others in your area will want to help you as well if they better understood your situation. You said that you feel bad to ask for help because many in your congregation are sick/elderly, and I understand, but likely there are some in your congregation who would be able to help you. So my suggestion is to choose an elder you very feel comfortable with and send him an email or call him explaining everything you told us. Then ask him if he knows any younger brothers/sisters who could maybe help for just a few hours. For example, if a young brother could come by for a few hours to do some yard work and then another brother/sister came to help with any cleaning inside, then that would not be too much for anyone. And the result would be that you and your wife would feel better about your home. 

 

And maybe this will bring you some comfort. There are many in our congregations who would like to help their fellow brothers and sisters, but are not sure how to help or are afraid to ask because some people can be sensitive. But when a brother/sister in the congregation reaches out and asks for help and others know what needs to be done in order to help that person, it is easier for others to volunteer. And this makes them happy as they are giving of themselves and showing love to you and your wife. 

Quote

*** w13 9/1 p. 13 par. 5 “God Loves a Cheerful Giver” ***
“God loves a cheerful giver.” Once a Christian decides to give, he should do so cheerfully, or with joy, says Paul. Indeed, happiness is a by-product of giving that is properly motivated. (Acts 20:35) The cheerful giver can hardly hide his joy. In fact, the term “cheerful” could very well describe both the inward feeling and the outward expression of the giver. A cheerful giver touches our heart. He also warms God’s heart. Another translation says: “God loves people who love to give.”—Contemporary English Version.

 

Edited June 3, 2019 by Beggar for the Spirit

[daydream]

This is good. 

https://www.thejoint.com/texas/houston/katy-28013/avoid-back-pain-while-cleaning-the-house

Avoid Pain Washing Dishes

To avoid back pain while doing endless dishes, keep your posture as upright as possible, instead of bending over the sink to scrub dishes. This might mean you have to open up the cabinet doors underneath and place one foot inside to help you squat lower and keep your back upright. This pose may seem awkward, but you will avoid back and neck pain and get a little toning in for the behind. Also, use a padded floor mat underneath the sink to help cushion your feet.

Avoid Pain Doing Laundry and Picking Up

The pain from laundry and picking up is stimulated by the same and constant bending motion. Again, try to keep your back straight when possible. Instead of bending down over and over again to pick up kid’s toys, try crawling on the ground while picking them up to avoid the repetitive bending motion.

Praying for you, Brother Tony. Send my regards to your wife. Love and hugs.

[Thomas Walker]

I first got Chronically ill at 14; and didn't get any kind of handle on it until I was 29. I spent almost all the time in between wearing a path between my bedroom and the bathroom. School was done from home, work wasn't an option; and I'm still ten years behind the curve of where I should be.

 

I try to remind myself that the crowning achievement of Job's spiritual life was when he was homeless, covered in sores; and everyone was telling him to give up and die. That lowest point was his Greatest Witness.

 

If you need help, then there's no shame in asking for it. The point is not for each of us to succeed, but for as many of us as possible to succeed. If you don't feel comfortable asking for help; then ask the Elders. They'll know how to get the Cong moving.

 

Remember, this is all the 'Before' picture. Ten years into Paradise, at an Assembly, you'll be on stage telling people that once you had your health problem taken care of, you were raring to go. God doesn't see us as what we do when we're sick. Being sick and in pain was never in the Plan.

[Ludwika]

I was terribly ill for a long time, so I totally understand what you're going through. As everyone has said, you need to ask for some help. My other suggestion is, I found I often had a small window in the day when I could do a bit. If you find that, then tackle one task. I found that if the floors were done, nothing else looked too bad. Put things away, do the bathroom, these are things that you can maybe do on a good day. I used to get up, do that one task, or two if I could, and if that window was then gone, I'd go back to bed. Doing something each day, no matter how little, kept me more or less on top of things. If this is beyond your strength, ask for assistance. As has been said, we all need help at some point in our life, I remember the kindness of some sisters during my troubles with much gratitude. 

[outwalkin]

I don’t know what is available in your area but in two different congregations I have been in there have been witnesses using local/government services for low income / elderly that allot several hours of aid – from errands, appointments, to cleaning and cooking. You may want to want to inquire of what is available near you.

[cobaltbluetony]

12 hours ago, Thomas Walker said:

I try to remind myself that the crowning achievement of Job's spiritual life was when he was homeless, covered in sores; and everyone was telling him to give up and die.

That's a powerfully profound thought; thank you for that!

[cobaltbluetony]

As an aside that is tangentially related to this...

 

When I do reach out in some form, like this, sometimes the definitive answer doesn't come attached to the foot of a dove descending from the heavens. Sometimes something happens that reminds me that Jehovah still values me, and often in the form of a reminder of what I am actually good for.

 

A random Asian Bible student reached out to me out of the blue, telling me that by logical, non-cookie-cutter responses to tough Bible questions on another forum is helping them see the true faith more clearly. Considering my struggles with a public ministry, such as door-to-door, it's also a reminder to me that my sincere efforts in arenas in which I can contribute in a whole-souled way are being recognized, and are to some extent effective in defending the good news.

 

So while not directly related to this. I thought it important to note that Jehovah is still paying attention to me, like Elisha in the wilderness, He comforts me and this strengthens me for future service.

[Jeanie]

Tony, are you familiar with occupational therapy?  We help make adaptations, increase work simplification, energy conservation and practical suggestions to accomplish what you can do at your house.  If you want to message me with the most difficult tasks, I wouldn't mind coming up with strategies to help accomplish your goals.  You might not be able to clean your whole house, but we might be able to implement a short stool and you clean one area at a time.  I have even had patients sit in their wheelchair and dust, sweep, etc.  I am nowhere near you or I would offer to physically help as well. 

 

There use to be a woman called FlyLady.net that would break up steps for the first 31 days to reclaim your home.  It was actually really good advise.  You start with one task.  But, her approach is very calming and she teaches you how to declutter, etc. as you go.  Decluttering may also help with the amount of time it takes to clean and the effort and strength that is needed.  Thanks for sharing with us all and trusting us to come up with solutions. 

[daydream]

Great website. http://www.flylady.net/d/getting-started/flying-lessons/decluttering-15-minutes/

Just what I need to declutter my house: 4 rooms and 3 bathrooms. 

The 27-Fling Boogie

We do this assignment as fast as we can. Take a garbage bag and walk through your home and throw away 27 items. Do not stop until you have collected all 27 items. Then close the garbage bag and pitch it. DO NOT LOOK IN IT! Just do it.

Next, take an empty box and go through your home, collecting 27 items to give away. Suze Orman teaches this in her book, The Courage to be Rich. This will change the energy in your home and bring about good feelings. Every time I do this I feel better and my home is becoming decluttered in the process. As soon as you finish filling the box, take it to the car. You are less tempted to rescue the items.

Rule of thumb: if you have two of any item and you only need one, get rid of the least desirable.

I also sing a wonderful song as I am doing this fun job: “Please Release Me, Let Me Go,” as sung from the stuff’s point of view!

[dove]

On 6/3/2019 at 6:01 PM, Beggar for the Spirit said:

Hi Tony,

 

Thanks for putting yourself out there and asking for advice. To be honest, after reading your post, I would personally go over to your home and help you with whatever you needed. I could try to help with yard work, even though I am not very experienced.

 

 But sadly I don't live near you, sorry. However the reason I mentioned this is because if I feel this way, then others in your area will want to help you as well if they better understood your situation. You said that you feel bad to ask for help because many in your congregation are sick/elderly, and I understand, but likely there are some in your congregation who would be able to help you. So my suggestion is to choose an elder you very feel comfortable with and send him an email or call him explaining everything you told us. Then ask him if he knows any younger brothers/sisters who could maybe help for just a few hours. For example, if a young brother could come by for a few hours to do some yard work and then another brother/sister came to help with any cleaning inside, then that would not be too much for anyone. And the result would be that you and your wife would feel better about your home. 

 

And maybe this will bring you some comfort. There are many in our congregations who would like to help their fellow brothers and sisters, but are not sure how to help or are afraid to ask because some people can be sensitive. But when a brother/sister in the congregation reaches out and asks for help and others know what needs to be done in order to help that person, it is easier for others to volunteer. And this makes them happy as they are giving of themselves and showing love to you and your wife. 

 

lol we just bought one of those..

On 6/3/2019 at 4:51 PM, Saffron said:

I really feel for you and can definitely relate. I am a single parent with disabled kids and  chronic health problems, including a bad back, which was going out regularly. So I'm sure you can imagine how bad my house looked when it did. By the time I would finish playing catch up, my back would go out again or something would happen.

 

Everything is kind of under control now and here's what I did: 

 

1. Regular chiropractic care, which I understand not everyone can afford, but it has really helped my back so much. 

 

2. Lowered my expectations. As much as I love the neat, clean, organized look, it's just not realistic for me. I keep the living area, bathrooms and kitchen clean. The rest is good enough. 

 

3. In my downtime, I sometimes watch YouTube videos on cleaning and organizing. I have learned to be more efficient this way and it kind of hypes me up to just tackle things and just get them done. 

 

4. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B078RMCFWQ?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title

This thing costs $10 and was a game changer for me. My biggest regret is not buying it sooner. I can pick up very tiny legos all the way to clothes without hurting my back. It won't work for really large or heavy things, but still worth getting if you don't have anything like this. 

 

There is no shame in needing help. We all do in this rotten old system. If I lived anywhere near you, I'd help you myself. 

 

 

 

 

 

we just bought one of those too lol

Edited June 5, 2019 by Dove